Deep breaths through the panic, through the fear. Using the music he gave me I start my purge. I breathe to the beat, breathe the static of my own. Getting rid of my old life, things not cherished but remembered and held close nonetheless. I was told not to be surprised if my life changed over the course of the year starting in September. New job, new love, new lease on life were all mentioned and I smiled and nodded politely. Internally I shook my head at this scripted optimism. And here I am. Making room for all of the above.
If life were a Dali Lama painting, I imagine it would feel like this. My body melting before my eyes, exposing curves, bones and heart and health. Stripping keratized pieces from a stifled life, leaving this skin so sensitive to the faintest thought and my salve is 4 hours away. 271.8 miles away. Part of me is thankful because it gives time for my skin to breathe.. but the clock is melting away and forever lies beneath it. I take baby steps heading east.
I think I need to finish my training. I always said I would only ever move for a job and/or a ring. Right now I have a strong promise for forever and a place to live for a while. A promise to be taken care of and a bull horn behind me saying to question if this is an advanced position or more of a lateral move. Do I trust and believe in the product or do I bring my own version just in case?
The conclusion here is that I need more assurance and my nature won't allow me to sit idly by. 8 months in and1 written sentence had me doubt everything. I ran away and cleaned out my car and fell and hit my head rather than answering a question. I think he deserves to know that. I know he deserves an answer.