I didn't realize the northern hemisphere is still in me.
The winter is creeping into my bones. I dropped into the darkness, with fear, with hesitation, with worry.
I still don't understand how I can grow to like a person so quickly so deeply.
'I saw you needed some more time' you said.
It was the first day we met.
I remembered our conversations, how we were beside each other when the other broke down. We took turns, you and I. How you kindly sat beside me offering me wine when the last thing I should have done was drinking in such emotional tornado, but was exactly what I needed. How I yelled out your name from a distance, you turned, dragged your feet to walk towards me with the emptiest eyes in the world that cries silent wails and gave me a feathery hug. I still felt the love oozing out every time something came out of your mouth.
Everyday I met you in the sun, every morning and night we talked, I thought to myself, god I have never met anyone like this.
Maybe because we met in the midst of darkness, we were destined to grow apart. It wasn't your words that had hurt me, but hearing your words I realized that all the love in the world will not satisfy you. You have great capacity and sensitivity to pain but not to love.
I cried myself to sleep thinking how I could love you in a way you could see it.
'People have their own journey. Let them.' I cried my eyes out and the blurry man told me this. He was one of the wisest men I knew.
It's a tangly relationship. I told La Que Sabe I don't know how to love, and she sat there and listened. I felt drowned in my incapability to convey love in a love-deficit world.
I cried, I talked, I sang, I laughed, I slept, I drew, I danced. And suddenly, it was like all strings let loose, and my world become clear again.
I still love you, very much. I can't un-love someone who has been in so deep with me. But I don't need you to understand my love. If, for now, we are incapable of loving without manipulating, then let us be missed from each other, and let me remember you from a distance.
Let me remember, like now when Samhain comes, the beauty of us.
#writing #samhain #laquesabe #love