I am searching for peace in nature. I remember telling you once about fluidity, movement and flowing and how I believe that these things are the most important factors in our existence. As the last few years have passed I have never been more convinced of this assertion. I have been studying the life cycle of things and have discovered that in the utter finite misery of everything's existence that there is good news. Beyond anything, beyond science, beyond religion and beyond mathematics. Everything comes down to the movement of energy. However It’s so fucking miniscule, so intensely small that to discover it I must assume at least ten dimensions. I know we haven’t spoke in a while and this may seem a little out of the blue but I am sure that you will be interested in hearing some of my ideas.
We met up after Adam sent me that email
“I have been studying energy. I have been just sitting in my bathtub moving my hand as fast as possible creating as many vibrations as I can in the water and watching intensly. Through these observations and very deep thinking I have concluded that our being here has something to do with gravity, and water and energy.”
He leant forward on the table directly opposite. His gestures were vivid and it looked as if he was rolling an invisible ball between his hands that grew and shrunk in size depending on his intonation.
I didn’t say anything, I was convinced that meeting Adam was a mistake he was clearly insane but he mistook my silence for an invitation to proceed.
“Life, everything that you can imagine, all of your existence is down to vibrations in miniscule strings that dance around and pull and tug at everything. But outside of that. We have to look at science. look at what they are doing and decide for yourself what the hell they think they are going to discover! I don’t have a collider my friend, I can’t get access to it. I’ve sent them emails begging them to let me do some of my own experiments. I have written to the prime minister asking him to fund science, just put all our efforts and money into science for a year I suggested, we would be the greatest generation ever. But people don’t understand. It wouldn’t matter anyway because the dimensions they are trying to discover, by whipping those atoms at each other, it won’t work. It’s not about discovering dimensions in that sense. If you ask a fucking child to be an existentialist do you think that kid might drown in irrationality?
I had no idea what he was talking about
“I don’t know” I said rather sadly “kids see things in a more innocent way I guess they have more wonder”.
He sat back from me, all the way back in his chair, he brought his hands parallel and outstretched and then put his palms onto his cheeks as if he had just witnessed a car crash “You don’t know? more wonder?” He sharpened his glance at me as if he thought I might be attempting to purposefully pollute the waters of a fresh dappling lake just to distort the crystal clear reflection.
“Take a look at anything, it’s not usual is it? He gestured around him waving a navy blue napkin “It’s not probable or to be taken for granted. Look at the whole of history and you will find me and you! There we are, not physically, but our thoughts. Our ideas have all been composed before. It’s not because of God, people keep saying it’s because of God when they are talking about themselves and how amazed they are. You can’t just say its fucking incredible so God did it. It’s incredible because the orchestra is playing in every atom, nothing is unimportant.” He threw down the napkin seemingly exhausted with me. I had thought about leaving but I have always been intrigued by Adam’s madness.
“So you don’t believe in god?” I asked.
“What? is that a serious question? You can’t ask questions like that! these are questions that bog us down. No one knows what God is so I can’t decide if it’s real. You can see this table. (he banged his fist on the table sloshing a large proportion of our drinks onto the surface and we both watched the glasses tilt and wobble and the liquid fizz onto the wood) This table! We don’t know if this table fucking exists. (He banged his chest three times rapidly and hard) You don’t know if I exist and you want to talk about God? You (he pointed at me across the table)want to ask me if I believe in something that made the things that we could question whether they exists? What sort of questions are these? It’s not liquid enough, it’s not flowing enough, it’s like a rock. It’s rigid, the energy isn’t dancing enough. It’s trapped! That’s why water is fluid because the energy is being released.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about Adam! Do you always go on these rants? Do you always go on these tirades where you are talking about something and then something else? all without saying anything! You need to explain.”
Adam grabbed me by the shirt and pulled me over to him and kissed me right on the lips, I pushed him off. then he slapped me, and started screaming at the top of his voice.
“What the fuck are you doing!” I said doing that gesture that people do to try and calm people down that looks like they are playing a piano with all their fingers.
He stopped but only after the whole restaurant had gone quiet.
A waiter came over and asked us to keep the noise down
“Sorry” I said to the waiter who looked concerned.
Adam looked at me with a sideways glance. “Why are you sorry?”
“That you are a fucking lunatic” I replied
“I cant explain this stuff to you in words, I can’t tell you about energy in the universe without making you feel with more than my words. Think about the energy of that kiss I just gave you or the energy you have with your beautiful fiancee. That energy is intense! Think about the emotions you feel when you are caught in an electric storm! You don’t get that from reading about an electric storm or a from reading about a kiss or from reading about pain. That energy; the written form, as an energy, is just the output for a person to talk about what is important to them. Everyone should write, just sit and write, write, write and then go and feel and experience and love and fucking terrify themselves and then write about it.”
He looked satisfied but then looked directly at me again “Oh, and don’t be fucking sorry all the time. Does me being a lunatic murder your staunchly conservative ethics? Is me screaming in a restaurant damaging the integrity of your morality? They are not going to send you to prison for being noisy, they are not going to lock you up for being alive. ( he was getting louder and more animated)
“Ok, ok. So what have you been doing anyway”. I wanted to ask him who “they” were but I was too anxious. he seemed liable to catch himself on fire as a protest or scream again.
He nodded, seemingly unimpressed with the question, he rested his chin on his thumb and the supporting elbow in the puddle of our spilt drinks.
“I have been working in a school my friend, watching kids be slowly and miserably worn down into the ground hour after hour after hour. Learning nothing, literally nothing whatsoever”.
I was impressed and told him so, he nodded and thanked me and I asked him how old the kids he worked with were.
“I don’t know!” He said with an obvious degree of flippancy and a strange resignation “I have no idea what ages these people are, these young people, bored shitless! The young men aren't fighting, there’s no rebellion, there is no culture or interesting fabric to the halls of this institution at all. I spend my days in lessons listening to teachers talk about bullshit, and the kids say why are we learning this? And I say - I don’t know!”
“Sounds like you’re doing a great job”.
He looked at me and pointed to the ceiling indicating that I should stop or halt. He started gyrating his finger back and forth and did a strange backwards smile.
“I keep sending emails to my local MP and the education secretary asking them what I should do. I tell them that their academies of education are lifeless and macabre - and I don’t get any replies. I keep writing saying the teachers are fucked, they go around exhausted ticking forms and writing stuff into computers about kids that mean nothing. They are picking certain kids to ask questions depending on if they get free lunches, this is forcing those teachers to put them into seating plans so that they know where those kids are sitting. Seating plans! Can you think of anything more repulsive? A planned area of seating so that the teachers know which ones are poor or has ‘supposed’ special needs. I keep writing off these letters my friend to seemingly dead, barren hands and eyes and ears”.
The same waiter who had told us to keep the noise down approached us with a little paper booklet and a black biro and asked us what we would be eating. Adam stared at him in amazement. I ordered something from the menu and Adam looked at me smiling like he had discovered a mass of vibrant jewels being worn by a bunch of beautiful dancing girls. He shook his head. The waiter asked Adam what he wanted and Adam said “You are a fucking good waiter!” The waiter seemed nervous and thanked him. “I’d like a bowl of rice with peas and sweet corn” said Adam. “Do you have that?” He asked looking up at the waiter. The waiter nodded, “we can do that” he said. Adam looked at him - I was watching Adam. “How much?” said Adam. The waiter said he would check and walked to the kitchen.
Adam ate his peas, rice and sweetcorn with a spoon and while watching me eat my pizza. He put down his spoon so it rested in his bowl. “That waiter is a waiter, I’ve read about this, about a philosopher who was dumb struck by how great a waiter was. That a normal guy just became a waiter. This philosopher describes how the guy was such a good waiter it blew his mind. it reminds me very much of this situation” Adam said this with absolute seriousness. I’m not sure if he was even talking to me. He was just saying the thought out loud. I nodded and said that I thought it was pretty incredible that they had made something for Adam that wasn’t on the menu. Adam nodded sincerely, he looked humbled by the whole situation. I asked him about the philosophy he was reading and that interested him.
“Well” he said casually settling back into his chair. “ I don’t want to tell you straight away, you see I’m putting together a secret forum” He smiled strangely “I am sick and tired of intellectuals and magazines, I’m tired of pretentiousness and I have written all this incredible work but I don’t want anyone to see it and I don’t want to be famous or to make videos or anything. I want to have secret dinner parties where the everyday philosopher, free thinker, scientist and craftsman comes to my house and we will have discussions that these individuals can’t have with their usual friends. I’m going to put secret invites around bookshops and in libraries and talk to people at bars and give out cards telling those I find interesting to contact me and then invite this eclectic mix of people to come and have discussions with me.”
He leaned forward as if he were an incredible and ardent military strategist, he pushed his bowl to one side. (the waiter had cleaned the spilled drinks from the table before bringing the meal) He smiled at me at put his hands up as if he were cupping two large globes in each hand, tilted his head and pursed his lips. “what do you think? and would you like to be involved?” he pointed at me and maintained his odd smirk. I knew he wasn’t joking so it was difficult to comprehend what on earth he was suggesting. He could sense I was confused and went from pointing at me to tapping his fingers on the table starting with his little finger and then tapping each other finger until the sequence ended at his thumb and then started again. He did this sequence faster and faster and louder and louder and looked at me more questioningly until I shrugged and said “I don’t know”.
“Look I would submit that intellectually life is fucking boring my friend. Our families have no money our names have no virtue so we have to work. we are devoid of any noteworthy certificates of education so we are condemned to work awfully monotonous jobs or amazingly fun jobs that pay nothing. I have spent the last two years helping kids access education, helping them have a good life, contributing good! But it wears on the brain intellectually. I dont have the time to have discussions, I don’t meet the people I need to to stimulate the ideas and conversations that I want to have from reading literature and philosophy.”
“why don’t you discuss stuff like that online?”
Adam looked exhausted at this comment, he was obviously dumbfounded by the suggestion.
“I don’t want to talk to people online because I want interaction, I want friendship and comradery I don’t want ideas to be shared through typing or hitting a touch screen keyboard”.
I nodded, “it’s a good idea” I said.