SPOTLIGHT ON MARIA LAVERGHETTA
Ellowrites is pleased to showcase Maria Laverghetta. Below is a brief bio and three selections of her work.
Follow Maria @loverghetto and comment on her work!
As a life long writer, notebooks are what made life breathable when I was younger. I majored in journalism and continue to find so much solace in the written word. I hope it brings you as much peace, thrashing it out on the page, as it does for me.
First writing selection
I can’t feel anything really
numb like ice picks in the freezer of my thoughts
Like all these things flowing in and out are spiked and gaunt and stupid
Like a whore in church or some other idiom that I can’t remember because they don’t matter
Like gallons of water in a desert like cakes in a pastry shop
When abundance is present, finding purpose or reason seems meaningless
Such is the largest paradox I know: fight for freedom
Bleed and starve and die for freedom to stand on your head
Then we all stand on our heads and don’t know what to do after that
So we’re free, so let’s just gorge mac and cheese and fuel and celebrities
I mean, after all, that’s the truth of freedom isn’t it?
Not equality or balance en masse, but excess.
I wish hunger games was just a good allegory
Then I could sleep more and care less.
And these fucking ice picks in my head would melt away and I could maybe see my reflection somewhere
I could maybe feel some relief that all those brave souls that came before and fought for this
Didn’t give their starvation for me to sit behind this computer and muse
About what to rhyme next and never about what I abuse
I suppose us developed country souls are all guilty in our assumed bliss
After all, we have this.
But do we? I mean, hills and drumpf sure think they do too.
Control is just another guise of freedom’s ammunition.
Give a few figureheads a title and let the starved slave-peons to money take retribution
Same story, different era.
My imprinted immigrant ancestors gave their kids everything for more opportunity
And I take it and consume it and expect more to fill my millennial mouth
It can’t ever seem to feel full like gluttony isn’t enough
So is that their fault? For giving me too much or expecting that the yearning for more would change from me
Outta them and onto me.
Same ache for more, same numbness as the present
Just with more stuff and more resentment
I could keep going.
After all, my zip code meant I’ll be ‘successful’
So I have time to write this and save money and by in to all the crap that I’m fed about what success is and what I need and
What propaganda’s play has meant from my spoon-fed perspective
But I digress. Because maybe one day I’ll change the world with more than just a cursor
I know, I know
The pen is mightier than the sword.
But, 50% of the world won’t be able to read this, so for now,
I’ll just let global warming melt the ice picks
and be ok with this.
Second writing selection
Remember when you were little
and the comparing hadn't started yet
so you played with pots and pans in the kitchen
taking everything out of the cupboards
not thinking that they had their place like you
will soon eventually
you threw your true self out in the open
letting it move and ebb and flow
shyness and all
it's amazing how quickly it gets Taken, beaten down
smashed into checklists
it's amazing how quickly your mind will confuse
i want to run back to the fake tile
and hard salami with cucumber sandwiches
and stay there longer
and take stronger pictures in my mind
so that when i start to disassociate in the next few years
think the visits at night in the dark were my fault
i'll know what i look like when i'm in my body
when my little soul and little heart
sang her first words
and biggest concern was making music with
everything i could hold
not where is the door lock
and why is it so cold
Third writing selection
Conversations with mom (1).
I said everything I felt
About how being gay isn't a disease
That I find it to be normal, and not against nature
She thinks a sperm bank is disgusting and said "oh that's natural" all bitchy
But, I got a little bitchy to her because she said she was gonna talk to Summer about it, and I said "oh ok, she said to Diana that she thought I was gay last month, but you two can get together and pray that I don't go to hell"
so that was my bitchy moment
But the biggest thing was that she said she would never accept it.
She would never be able to be a part of it
And she actually had the audacity to say how could I do this to her and our relationship
That we could never be close like we used to (which I never felt like we were, and I apologized to her for, not being more honest)
Then she continued to say "If I had thought this for one second, even one minute when you were younger, this would be easier and a relief, but I just know you are ruining your life and making a mistake"
I tried to explain that my best friends all weren't surprised
She didn't buy that at all.
And just continually tried to say I have had a million epiphanies and phases and that this was just another one (which I told her was warranted, because I have, but that this would be a pretty big bomb to just claim is me)
And I told her how I feel about it just being two bodies, that it's just bodies.
It doesn't matter
That I would be ok with dying and knowing I was honest with everyone
She scolded me for putting this on her with having to deal with mike and my dad and Tammy now trying to get custody
That she can't handle it
That it's too much
She wouldn't mind if I brought girlfriends over but just knowing that we were in a relationship would make her sick
"What are you going to tell Trent and Kylie when they are older... They look up to you so much"
And all I said was, "the truth"
And she just said, no, don't tell them.
She won't let them come over to Jodi's and my house
She equated my lifestyle with drug addiction
That it was worse than mike
Her words. WORSE THAN DRUG ADDICTION.
I love and respect my mother. She's my mom. But, she is definitely surprising me with how close-minded she is right now
And it's funny.
It's hurtful, and insulting, but I'm not that upset.
That she's basically obtuse.
And that her hopes for me were so small and conventional.
Thank god she raised me to dream and be independent and trust myself and my instincts
Which I told her
I also said after all this that I was really happy she was honest with me and that no matter what, for her always to speak her mind and tell me the truth
And that I would never let us not have a relationship at all because of it
And she basically said "well the one thing I thought from the beginning was, get your head out of your ass"
And that it was everyone else's influence on me that brought me to this conclusion (mike, my ex-boyfriends, the new intelligent people I hang out with that are gay... That one made me laugh)
And that I'm being brainwashed
So I calmly said I wasn't
And then said all that stuff above.
She said she would always love me and that wouldn't change
But couldn't support it or accept my lifestyle and that she thinks it's insulting that I talk about prayer and god and how can I justify my behavior and talk about that too
That one sucked too
So I politely said, so god isn't for gay people?
And she said, no I believe god loves everyone including the sinner
But because I was actively disobeying the tenets of his law, that was different
And I said, why does it have to be he
And she rolled her eyes
Then she forced me to say this:
I didn't believe that jesus died for my sins
Because I don't adhere to the jesus story, and don't identify as a christian
She then said after, well that's how you justify your behavior then
Like I can only be gay if I profess not to be a christian
Ok I think I got it all out.
So sorry for the novel,
but I had to get it out
so I can sleep
Follow Maria @loverghetto for more fantastic writing.