"Wake Up and Live Your Life Again"
Throughout the entirety of the twelfth grade, I failed to find inspiration in anything I did. Even my photography went unpracticed; the muscles that were once growing steadily were now soft and fatty. I watched the things I loved whither from my grasp, the people I loved find comfort and friendship elsewhere.
I apologized for everything I did, to everyone I knew. I apologized for my indecision, for my abuse of their friendship and mentorship, but in the end it meant nothing. It became a game of me being here one day and gone the next. I was the Girl Who Cried Sick.
A once devoted student, I was falling through the cracks of the school system, and I was no longer able to stay afloat in the manipulative good-student image I had managed to manufacture in the years prior.
Watching the slackers, students who I would once gain a lot of esteem from, starting to pull their weight pushed me further down into an unmotivated state.
I'd yell at myself, I'd force myself to be someone again. To breathe again, please breathe again. Get through this day, this week, this assignment, this exam, this year. Next year it will be different. Next year you'll work. But just the mere thought of a new year, a new start, created a false sense of safety. I would only procrastinate further.
Luckily I had manoeuvred my way through class just enough to get the grades and get into all the universities I had applied for. But just imagine if I didn't have those relationships with my teachers, if I hadn't been as naturally gifted at writing... how would I be suffering now?
Anyway, here I am again, basking in the nostalgia of the moment. Letting time pass me by once again, not living my academic life to its fullest. I am so angry at myself for letting my ignorance and laziness paralyze me like this. Exasperated with how I let myself down, how I know my potential is wasted at my own expense, by my own hand.
Everyday I tell myself to wake up and live my life again, because I refuse to throw my life away like I did in high school. I refuse to wallow in my own suffering, to be the perpetrator of violence against my own academic success and satisfaction.
So here's to working so it's not too late again.
NOV. 16. 2014.