I have been paralyzed by the process of decision making, the feeling that a cut once made, changes the subject forever. “Analysis paralysis,” my law professors (or my mom) would have called it, but this is more than that.
“It is not a questionable decision, if you do not question it” began as an almost “YOLO”-like joke when I first wrote it down years ago, a kind of silly excuse to make bad decisions when I was young. Older now, with a changed perspective, it has changed meanings for me. The act of questioning a decision makes it questionable; looking too long at a problem or an idea can make it grow into a very scary monster, with more tentacles, and more and sharper teeth than it ever actually had. Case in point: I have a handful of characters with whom I have fallen in love, a sci-fi story that I find fascinating, and a unique writing style that I know people enjoy, but for every check mark in the “yes write a fun story, hell someone might even buy it!” column, I have 100 checkmarks in the “no, you are a fucking idiot, a hack, boring, you are not good enough, how dare you think anyone cares about what you have to say,” column. I have been scared to put the work into the story that it demands. That is not to say there are not bad ideas we have in life that are not per se “questionable,” and must be weighed on their merits before a decision is reached, but when it comes to doing big, good, scary, life affirming things, the biggest enemy is Y-O-U (M-E) and YOUR (MY) doubt. In our lives’ great endeavors we are better off simply acting. Like Mike said, “just do it;” like Gian is saying, “press go and let the pachinko balls fall as they may.”
Action is the most important component when it comes to any creative endeavor, whether it be starting a business, making a piece of writing, designing a fashion line, shooting a photo collection-- anything. “Create,” is a verb, an action, you only really “do” it when you do it. Even a failure is sacred. It is a little crystallized bit of you, something that you dragged (sometimes kicking and screaming) from the aether into existence which did not exist before, and if that is not emulating God, and a true religious experience, then I am a shit flinging heathen.
I have had 2 or 3 projects I have hesitated to start or continue for more than a year now, including establishing public Instagram and Ello accounts to publish my writing. The Universe has a way of conspiring to deliver the exact epiphany one needs, at exactly the right time. Kali Owens, an old friend, recently died from cancer. Kali, you found freedom in the battle against likely terminal sickness, peace in the new beginning; the opportunity to become what you always knew you were, and the freedom to do it without worrying about the outcome. We were not close in recent years, but hearing your sister read the words you wrote upon discovering your diagnosis out loud was is a slap in the face reminding me how much I missed you, and an inspiration reminding me how much I missed me. You spurred me into doing what scares me, and I thank you. I hope somewhere, somehow, you are proud that you inspired me. I hope you are as proud of me as I am to have known you.
Inertia has killed more dreams than cholera. The antidote to the poison that is Comfort and Familiarity is Doing, and Doing is not a thinking man’s game. Through the Doing, however, there is a beginning of a Becoming, a fulfillment of sorts in the inevitable Change, and in the end, maybe a sense of peace with the reality that you are insignificant on a cosmological scale, and that the ancient, decrepit (but infinitely formidable), and grossly indifferent monster called Time creeps and hobbles through eternity in one direction without you, so you may as well act, if only to see what happens. Inertia will not thank you (Inertia is a dangerous, ungrateful bitch), but your future self might.
Thank you for reading and welcome! This is the first post in this unapologetically self-centered space dedicated to my rants and allowing me the freedom to rend open my heart while any old person who stumbles upon it watches. I am still deciding what goes here, but there will probably be photos, poetry, fiction and prose. I welcome your feedback or comments, your follows or unfollows.
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