Also...I guess since I'm in an introspective mood in general and I feel like running my fingers and my mouth, it's weird confronting my codependency. It's something I vaguely acknowledged over the past year but did nothing about, but now that things in my life have come to a head, it's bizarre looking over the things that I've allowed and excused because of that need. There's always that fear that I seek out abuse because I can't function without it--some sort of programming quirk mashed into my head from years of emotional/psychological/sometimes physical abuse from my parents, where the only way that I'm deserving of love is if I have to gnash my teeth and torture myself and sacrifice myself to get the tiniest dew drop. You start believing that happiness is a momentary illusion, you know? Suffering is some sort of inevitability.
Trying really hard to defeat that mentality, but it's hard. Standing up for myself is hard. Confronting the person who's hurt me constantly is hard. Walking away from the person who's hurt me constantly is hard. Coming to terms with the fact that I spent a lot of my time loving someone who treated me like crap because I believed that somehow made the moments where they treated me kindly more important--that's really really hard.
Sometimes I think I'll be one of those artists who create shitloads of art as a diary to their suffering and neuroses--unrequited love, bipolar behavior, schizotypal tendencies, obsession, codependency, depression, self-loathing. And then they burn themselves out and close the book early. Who knows, man? Sometimes I wonder if it's possible for me to actually feel happy for more than a couple hours.
But ya know, maybe it's the couple hour spans that are what's important in life.
OR maybe I just need a therapist.
Welp. All I know is that life is weird and I just turned this shiz into livejournal in the course of two posts, good job, Ghia, you are a stellar internet-user.