i am trying to make myself think happy things so that i don't cry and i just remembered: so i had a teacher in freshman year who had us all write letters to our future selves. think 2–3 years down the line. he said something about sending the letters someday but anyway i wrote mine and promptly forgot all about it. and this week i got a lil envelope in class and it was this small letter from fourteen-year-old christina, who was tiny and angry and scared and unexpectedly really wise. she had a laundry list of things i "had better not be doing or else." another list of things i "had better be doing or else." she was awkward as hell and couldn't see how she could get past being a high school mediocrity with few friends and fewer reasons to smile. she had big dreams for me but had accepted they were probably beyond even my reach. but in a lot of ways i punched straight past all her huge expectations. i could go back in time right now and (lovingly) put her in her place and leave her absolutely stunned. that is just now starting to sink in. and i don't know. i'd like to think she would be proud of me. goodness knows i'm really fucking proud of her.