Shaking Out the Toxins
“I’ll sweep my own room mom. Please don’t pay the housekeepers for something I can do myself.”
“Okay, but I want it done today.”
I looked at my mom and shook my head in an affirmative and said, “I promise.”
She looked at me really funny.
“When I asked you to clean the floor today. You started cowering like an abused housewife. I’m not your X. If you don’t do what I asked, It won’t change my love one bit. Your aunt said when he showed up to get the kids you were shaking until he left. You’re trembling now. Look at the slob I married. Sure, sometimes I wish you were cleaner. However, you’re not as bad as your Dad. I still love him. These things don’t alter my love.”
I sat next to my mom and felt my eyes water and then I leaned into her. I felt my body rock back and forth gently.
“You need someone to rock you?” She asked.
I laughed and stopped rocking. It did seem a bit odd since I’m three inches taller and more muscular. Then I realized, I was rocking because I knew I was safe again. I was gently rocking out the damage that had been done. It is okay if it looked a little weird.
“I don’t think he meant to do this to me. He noticed I had started to shake too. He felt bad, but he didn’t know how to stop doing it.” I said.
“The problem with a self absorbed person is the person doesn’t know how to stop thinking about himself or herself long enough to figure out how to help you. The person is still thinking about himself. It is good to understand him with compassion. However, even though he didn’t mean to do it. It was still evil.”
“For him, It is all about after I was loyal for nine years, I had an emotion affair by emailing someone online. I told him with the amount he neglected and ignored me physically and emotionally he was lucky I didn’t have an actual affair. However, he thinks he is righteous in our separation because I allowed that to happen. I wonder what anyone else would do after having your husband tell you he resented you, didn’t talk with you because you side with your parents, won’t let you into the bank account, and watches you cry like he is happy about it. Then, you ask him if he is cheating, and he says he doesn’t have the drive to pursue that sort of thing. I’m not Jesus. Everyone is so judgmental of that, but I told him and tried to make things right because I wanted to give him a chance to be better. I just wish I hadn’t done that until after leaving because it is all about that for him.”
“You wouldn’t have realized how bad things really were without a safe person to share. I just wish you hadn’t told him because it wasn’t an affair. You never met or touched. We don’t care if you talk to that person now or other people. We don’t judge you for that. That online person was a safe person. Now we are letting you have a safe place to heal. That is why I went down to your church when they denounced you in public and yelled at your pastor. He empowered your husband to force you into submission instead of correcting his treatment of you. A woman loved correctly doesn’t look for a safe place to share her thoughts. You didn’t have a Godly marriage in his treatment of you— I think it was more Satanic. You will just need to realize that all Christians aren’t like that. Not all of them are constantly judging and trying to control you. Remember, your Dad and I are Christians too.”
I looked down at my hands which were shaking and sat there and shook for about an hour and told myself over and over... you are safe now. He can’t control you anymore. You are safe, until I started to believe and the shaking turned into a slow tremble.
@wandering_mind : After your comment, I wrote the story too ;)