Depression is an old friend of mine. He comes unannounced when I least expect it and leaves without a word a few hours or days later. It’s hardly the kind of friend I strive to spend time with, but somehow he never let go of me.
Nowadays I have him under control. I’m aware when he’s getting closer and can handle him a lot better than earlier in my life. I can sometimes just tell him to fuck off and he’ll disappear, but sometimes he’s stuck to me like we’re siamese twins - with the except that one of the twins is more sinister and destructive.
Depression, or lets call him Mr D, have destroyed many friendships. He grabs them by the throat and tells stuff that’s so negative and destructive those friendships never became what they used to be. I hate him for that. I fucking hate him. The odd thing is that he rarely says negative stuff about others, only about me.
It feels odd to have a siamese twins that hates you. I’ve always thought twins would be best friends forever, with a unique mutual understanding of each other. But no. It’s not. He hates me and I hate him. Not sure I can call him a friend anymore, even if he behaves a lot better now than 10-15 years ago.
But I kinda respect him. Like an annoying telephone salesman he’s just doing his job; to not let me become too happy or bright, and he’s pretty good at it. The biggest difference is that I can’t block his number. He just keeps calling and calling and too many times I’m answering and letting him do his stuff.
Mr D is everything I want to be: handsome, slim, talented, witty, intelligent etc, and he knows it well enough to keep telling me what I could have been over and over again. I keep telling him I don’t want to compete. I just wanna live my life in peace with comparing me to anyone else. Or him. But he’s at it constantly. Like he wants to punish me for being such a wimp.
I consider myself a LaVeyan Satanist and this up here is nothing I’m complaining about, I don’t pity myself. Instead I’m trying to analyze it. Trying to work with it. Could there be something good with him? My thoughts goes directly to Lars Von Trier’s masterpiece Melancholia, one of the best films about depression ever made.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens if the world ends. I really hope it will happen one day.