Yeah, since a while back I've come to realize I'm really a Satanist. The atheist kind. Is there any other kind btw? I've been sure of this for many years, but never really wanted to put a label on it. But that's who I am. That label gives me strength.
I'm raised in a religious community, a kind of evangelistic environment where my mom at first was a client for her alcoholism and later an employee. Already from the start, I was maybe 7-8 years old, I felt this was wrong. This was fake. This is wrong. I did what the grownups did and spent many hours in revival meetings and was taught the sins of the world
Not that I really listened. I was quite a strong individual already then, though incredibly sensitive. The controlling factor of religion hurt me badly, especially considering I was a young gay boy.
I couldn't understand how anyone would like to worship a fictional entity. Something so distant it wasn't possible to interact with directly. I could see how the pastors used their power, and no one questioned their actions.
Why I should deny myself the things that gave me pleasure. From books and films to (much later of course) sex and other things. Why am I and those I love not the most important thing? Even today I react with contempt when on social media I see people start their bios with "god first" etc, referring to the gods of any religion.
One thing I especially reacted to was the words "turn the other cheek", which I found utterly ridiculous already as a child. Why give yourself up and let someone else abuse you? That's FUCKING insane.
I also got the insight extremely early that I don't wanted kids of my own. I just felt MY life, whatever that would hold, was more important than putting that energy on children. Im soon 41 and I'm even more sure of that than ever before.
Another thing that have grown on me over the years is the nature, which I now consider the only temple I would visit to worship. It's not constructed by humans to obey some abstract, psychopatic entity, but through a chaotic yet logic maze of fractals - and it's perfection. In my eyes the only holy ground for a Satanist should be nature, in it's mix of stunning beauty and down to earth, hands down, science.
Being responsible for my own body and mind gives me peace. I will never climb a mountain, I rather try out some exciting mind expanding drug - because I want it, not because anyone is forcing it upon me. To have by "god" given bonus parents in form of pastors and priests telling me whats's good for me is something I consider retarded.
The thing I love the most about LaVey's philosophy is how love is so important - but love is so important we should only give it to those who deserve it. We shouldn't waste on people who don't care - and that's a huge flock of idiots, let me tell you all that.
I want this world to be a fantastic place for everyone, but let us realize that will never happen. Never. Believe me. Everyone is working towards an illusion of peace and understanding, where rape and murder and abuse and famine and disasters and etc never will happen. A nice thought, but we're on a downward spiral and we're here only once, so let us embrace what we have around us. Be good to those that deserve it and ignore the rest.
That might seem cynical, and yes, it's up to each own who we think deserve love, but if you - like any good Satanist - give your love to amazing people and just ignore the rest, something powerful will happen sooner or later.
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