Confessions of an Introvert Extrovert.
Someone once asked me how I could feel so introvert when everything else points to that I’m very outgoing, social and have a tendency to have something on me, either showy facial hair or clothes, which will give me attention. Good question, I must say.
Personally I believe it’s a huge difference between vanity and craving attention. Like every decent satanist I have vanity. From time to time I have a huge, twirly mustache and a big big beard, glasses made of bamboo with the Leviathan cross etched at the sides, horror t-shirts or shirts with either a theme of gay- or satanism activism. I've been in radio and TV more times than I can remember, talking about film, and together with my good friend Jason Meredith I have a podcast, The Human Centipod - and of course I’m overly active on Instagram and have done a lot of acting jobs for movies, short films, commercials, music videos and so on - and most of them deals with me being the opposite of shy.
Of course I like to be seen and appreciated, it’s an energy source as everything else. Most of you also love that, even if it’s scary or awkward. What’s important is to not let it control your life, or feel affected when the wanted attention don’t live up to the expectations. So I don’t have expectations. I’ll just go on with my life and treat the attention or lack of attention just as natural as breathing, shitting or sleeping.
There was a time when I craved attention in an unhealthy way, and felt offended when not getting the acting part I wanted or when people disagreed with me after an appearance in radio or TV or at social medias. It’s desperation and in the end very harmful for one’s own ego, and will alienate people around you - either from being too pushy or too offended or any other childish reaction to not getting what you want.
Somewhere along the way I decided to stop going to auditions, mostly because I've been doing it for the sake of attention and not for the sake of art. I try to sell myself less and less, because selling myself like a piece of meat is the lowest form of attention craving. I decided to only take opportunities that would come to me naturally, without me trying to force myself upon them. To me this is a form of lesser magic, maybe I should call it the Passive Lesser Magic, the magic of not doing anything to attract attention.
Us who count ourselves as Introvert Extroverts knows where to put the border of how we socialize with other people. We fully understand that we can handle a certain amount of time, either looking at it through the amount of time communicating with colleagues and friends during a day, or to be alone or with less people after a number of hours.
To come home, lock the door and don’t answering the phone after a day among people is one of the most beautiful things in my life. Being able to not be social without feeling guilt is the superpower I feel most happy with. I rarely, if never, answers when someone knocks on the door or use the doorbell for example. I value my alone-time more than a chatty neighbor, an annoying salesperson or so-called friends dropping by on a surprise visit (which never happens nowadays actually - I’m very grateful for that!). Talking in telephone is something I rarely do, because I prefer to answer and email or text message in my own time, and make the answer correct and straightforward instead of wasting it on talking about the weather or dealing with erratic human behavior up front.
Being an individualist and satanist I also feel I need to be the one in control of my own life, and by embracing the introvert part of me instead of trying to force myself to be more social, I am the master of my own existence.
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