Once a TV-producer I was working with told me that becoming more conservative the older you get is completely normal. I could sense a bitterness in him, a bitterness of never being able to be the person he probably wanted to be once. The thing is also that he was correct in his theory, most people tend to grow less intelligent the older they get; the world seems more black and white, the greed and bitterness grows and as you watch your body wither you realize you never will be able to go back to your younger, more idealistic and solidary self. As a result you get angry/upset/offended when you see people younger than you get what they want, stuff you never had the opportunity to get. Everyone who with a serious intent starts a “the youth of today”-rant have serious issues with themselves and should be ignored.
For me it’s the opposite. I was quite a conservative little bitch as a teenager, probably because of my christian upbringing - but also because I was bullied and just didn’t want anyone else to have it better than me. But I grew up and started to explore life and found out that being conservative is a pretty bitter and sad state of mind, something mostly very unhappy or psychopathic people suffer from.
When I meet a new person I never look at the color of their skin, language, background, origin or faith. I try to put myself in a neutral state, find a balance in my communication with them, and see who they really are. Because what I judge a person on is their reaction to the world around them. A hostile, blame others, us and them-state of mind tells me this person isn’t someone I can trust. Because if you’re gonna be a decent person in my eyes you need to take responsibility for who you are.
If you only can respond to problems, personal - non-personal - national - international, by pointing at other humans, or cultures, or whatever makes your blood boil, then you just can’t see who you or those belonging on “your side” of the fence are. It’s an intellectual blindness. It doesn't matter you tell me you’re not a racist or whatever, as long as you can’t balance your opinions on others we have nothing to say to each other.
This is how I see you and me; we’re a shell, a shell of titles, interests, preconceived notions from others and ourselves, names, culture and other things which actually creates who we are from other people's point of view. If I remove horror fan from myself, or gay, or man, or name or life experiences - what’s left? It’s the I and that’s what I am and what you are to me. I will never judge you until I’ve heard you share your thoughts with me, you can be an warrior for IS, a neo nazi, my mom, my best friend, my lover, my husband, a killer and so on; you’re the same to me. But it’s when you either waste your intellect on something stupid (like being a racist, or a warrior for the Islamic state or kill someone) or enrich our lives with doing something good with it, then I know who you are and what you stand for. Before that, you’re neutral entity to me.
Nothing is black and white, everything is billions upon billions of nuances. Seeing the world as good and evil is also creating a more divided world. Just because you want to feel enraged once in a while after reading some horrible news doesn’t mean you’re a good person, it just means you can’t see longer than what the headlines claims. Remember what’s EVIL for you and hundred million people might be GOOD for the same amount of other people, and the opposite. You know it’s correct, even if you feel offended by it.
I’m not trying to be a good human, or impress you. I’m just trying to land, and be here at this very moment. Being here is the key to not panic, or worry, or stress, or hate, or love. Being here is to step-back, let go and see everything from a distance where it’s just a complex sequence of physical and emotional movements. It’s like watching the pattern created by wood worms underneath the bark of the tree, an intricate system of trails which we just can watch and admire - but have no way of interacting with.
And until I see those worm wood patterns you’re just a big ol’ tree to me, ready to either be embraced, chopped down or made into firewood.
#writing #ellowrites #essay #life #existence #philosophy #blackandwhite #goodandevil #beinghere #