I wrote this and... well it's for him
I cooked omelet for us today... His is served in a plate, with a steaming mug of hot chocolate. The clock ticks, I can hear every sound. I fervently wished I could stop time. I couldn't. When I heard him come out from our room, I dropped the egg I was holding... It broke, the eggshells scattered with the yellow & opaque slimy insides... It was a mess... Just like me... It was time to go.
I accompanied a friend of mine to the airport today, a dear friend of mine... Not just a friend, but the love of my life. When we were in the car, I played his favorite songs, he would sing on the top of his lungs, I would laugh... I would not let him see my tears. My eyes were dry, but my heart weeps every inch we go nearer the airport. He thought I was okay. He asked that I go down the ramp immediately once he's out of the car, that I did not need to wait for him. I did not asked why, I already knew, we both did. But I wanted to see, I wanted to see him for the last time.
And so I parked just a few feet away from him. I watch him anxiously waiting in the arrival area, his eyes frequently darting to the overhead flight status board. He did not have to wait for too long, I watch him wave to someone -- a girl with long hair, someone I only see in pictures, went to him... They hugged, they kissed. In the car, my heart felt crushed, the tears flowed freely. It was time to say goodbye.
I met him in the office, he was from a different department but we became fast friends. We just "clicked". It wasn't long before I fell for him, he was just so 'decent'. I did not dare tell him or show him how I felt. But then he sort of courted me. We share the same route home and would ride the same public vehicle. Once he held my hand, I never let go of his. In this modern times, I set aside my standard 'courting ways' just for him, I assumed it was what he was doing already but in his own cute little ways. I assumed wrong. It came to a time when people would raise eyebrows, they would smile because we were always together, we need not confirm what they thought - for actions speak louder than words.
I just came from a heart-wrenching break up months ago, so did he. But meeting him was like emerging from a deep slumber full of nightmares. He was that little bit of sunlight that finally broke through that very dark room I was in, he was the fresh scent of grass in the morning, he was the sweet song of birds, the reason I finally see positivity when the dark clouds threaten to ruin the day with non-stop rains. He was my reason for living again. Months flew by, and we were inseparable. Everyday became a routine, him included in mine. Train rides to the office will never be the same again for no matter how many the people are, no matter how I was pushed or bumped, I was always happy because I knew he will be there at the exit waiting for me. We would grab an early breakfast in the nearest cafe, he taught me how to enjoy hot chocolate in the morning... But it wasn't those laughing moments we shared that mattered; it was those quiet moments walking & riding vehicles to the office with my hand firmly grasped in his that mattered. It was like my talisman to all the negativity. I simply did not think for a moment that there will be an end to those moments, I simply believed the world was finally, after all the heartaches I have faced, letting me be happy. That this was the love of my life, a sweet unfolding. I was wrong. He was just another ploy to lure me to love then break me.
It was a special day, a day when we were both supposed to go to a gathering that I learned he has a girlfriend abroad. I called a friend of ours and cried. I hugged myself in fetal position because I was so shattered inside, I cannot believe it for a moment. Of course, he wouldn't do it. It was a lie! But there it was, I was led to believe a beautiful lie and right now the painful truth stares me in the face. He knew how much I love him, how could he. I still went to that gathering. My tears have all dried, my heart cried for the tears my eyes could no longer shed. I looked him in the face, but I can only see the perfectness in his imperfections. No, I wasn't blinded by love... I see the truth, yes it hurts me but I chose to see the qualities I love in him. But then again, I thought in the beginning I will always love him, but a heart also gets tired when it gets hurt perpetually by those it loves... I grew tired of standing up for him, of caring for him, of loving him in the distance, of making myself believe he would one day love me. Then I would ask myself: was he really mine in the first place? And if he is, why would he trade me for someone else then tell me he loves me, then get jealous when I go out with other guys and why would he kiss me? Why go through all those if he doesn't really love me? Is he even for real, or was it a play, a play where I became both actress and victim? And how can I be proud of someone who keeps me in the dark & hurts me and lets it slide? Before when he tells me he misses & loves me and my heart just sigh; but after some time, somehow it became shallow, I couldn't feel that happiness again... I cannot believe a man can love two woman at the same time, except if the other is his mother. If was months after our secret affair that I fathomed the truth: maybe he did love me, may be he did care but need and love should never be confused with one another. He needed someone to be there when his girlfriend abroad couldn't... And I was there... willingly there. I brought this to myself. He may not be akin to using me but he did, one way or another he did. My love for him back then was larger than my love for my own self that I forgot to put myself first. Again, I set myself up for failure. I fought a battle alone... for us... when there was no "us" in the beginning to even speak of.
Yes, I soon grew tired of hurting... finally.
But believing one should never pass up the chance to tell someone how you feel, I wrote everything in a notebook and gave it to him. He will never read it, I'm sure. At first, I insisted he reads it then I stopped after so many reminders... He would promise me he would but then he just won't. My measure of a man is his word of honour, now was he even a man if he went back on almost all the promises he gave me? We just can never push someone to do something they don't want to do. There is no true fulfillment in doing something with your heart half in it. And so I respected his decisions, even if the cost he needed to pay was hurting me every time... I respected him... And if and when he reads that notebook, I might never know --- but when he does, I will be far away. I'll be in a place where he can no longer reach me.
So I relished every waking moment I was with him, I gave him my all... I gave him something more than my love -- I gave him my time, all of it when he wants & needs it. I'd drop everything and everyone. Yes, there was a time when my life revolved around him. There was a time when my day will not be complete without him. There was a time when I put all my hope and plans in the future with him in each moment. There was a time, there was a time I thought he was the only person who will never hurt me. My secrets were bare to him, not so he can judge me but I trust him, trusted him enough not to put me through it, to not let me feel the pain all over again. But he did. Since that unfaithful day that I found out there was another woman... he always did hurt me until I lost myself, until I grew tired of crying myself to sleep because I was so weak, so pathetic to even ask him about it, because I was so stupid to beg... to beg him to choose me instead, and when he shunned me, I clung to him. I lost myself, yes, I lost everything. I traded everything for him, even my self-worth.
That morning before I accompanied him to the airport, I moved around him like tiptoeing in eggshells; like everything will break if I stepped too hard. But it wasn't the eggshells, it was me. That day in the airport the eggshells did not break, but my heart did, my soul did... The rain poured while I was crying my heart out in the car. They have already left, he never looked back... And then I run out of reasons to stay, I played the song "Insensitive" and drove off. I will forever remember that the hardest battle ever fought by anyone is the battle of love that can't be yours.
I went home, cleaned up the mess I left in the sink earlier... Started packing the things he left behind... And I wished, I prayed my tears would be enough to cover my dying soul... It was time to move on.