I guess I'll see as my looks fade if I'm truly likable or a combo of aesthetically acceptable and merely tolerable. If nothing else, I can attribute my willingness to sit on the outskirts of a number of social groups as a mark of my outstanding individualism, and not as an internally battle between being myself and feeling like I'm performing a single aspect parody of myself. It seems like anything you could choose to say has the potential of coming out braggy or whiny, not matter how tragic or wonderful, respectively.
I think too much of it is just word flurry up in my head. I've been running into people I haven't seen for years. One person was the ex boyfriend of some one who was my best friend from sophomore year of high school until I was 22 years old. Man, that was one bitter break up on her end. Her name was Jennifer, too. I guess it's probably still Jennifer, but she went by Jenny.
They, Jenny and Joey (that's the "ex boyfriend", who is beyond that label over a decade later,) dated for maybe a couple of years. It was Jenny's first serious adult relationship, and I suppose she was really planning the rest of her happy picture life around it. In retrospect, there were two problems here: pieces of her life weren't matching the puzzle she was building and there was an extra puzzle piece in the form of Joey's understanding longtime female friend.
I liked Joey just fine. I don't think his friendship with that girl was inappropriate. Jenny disliked her for the obvious reasons that so many insecure girlfriends may dislike their boyfriend's girl friends. I don't think, though, that you can rightfully stake your claim in a person against another person (that's a lesson I've come into by my own right in my own life,) and like you may have guessed Jenny's relationship became about being at odds with this seemingly nice girl. At the time, I supported my friend, but over a decade later I can see how my own friend had become the unpleasant factor in this drama.
Joey probably couldn't take much more of Jenny's general unhappiness with life overall, and more distinctly, her negativity towards a lot of little details about him. She hated that he loved Styx, is the one thing that comes to mind. He really was a pretty nice guy.
They broke up. She hated him. She also couldn't imagine why he would ruin her life by leaving it. It is a weird cycle that isn't beyond many of us at one time or another. He started dating his female friend, and then she really hated him. That was when it was really too much. She said bad things about him for months, even after she started dating other people. She started being one of those people that said that they need to "focus on me." I'm old enough to know one that people who claim to need to focus on themselves probably need to stop focusing on themselves at 1000x magnification, back then I tried to agree with her.
Our friendship crumbled during the next two years of her self focus time. She stopped calling me after I became pregnant with my first child. The last time I had spoken with her, I told her I didn't want to hang out in a loud, smoky bar because I was constantly tired and in my first trimester.
She stumbled on my tumblr account a few years ago, this would've been nine or 10 years after our fallout, and she apologized for how things ended. That was weird for me, because I had always wondered what I had done wrong (it never was a case of right and wrong.) I accepted her apology, but we haven't spoken since.
I saw Joey at an event where his band was playing after my husband's band. He was really nice and reintroduced himself to me, saying that he wasn't sure I remembered him, but of course I did. Over 14 years later, he's married to his understanding longtime friend, and they have five kids. He's still a pretty nice person, and I'm glad we could speak to each other without attachment to past petty incidents.
The best part of moving through life is getting over the insecurity of what someone thinks about you or used to think about you or used to think about you because of the people with which you were friends. Also, I got to go to a Santana concert because the tickets were Joey's birthday gift and he broke up Jenny before the concert. So, I'll definitely always think positively about him because of Santana.