It’s 3:15 in the morning, I can’t sleep. I’ve been looking at photos of me smiling or going on adventures with my partner. I zoomed in close on my eyes in each one, and I can see it...distance. Loneliness. Unhappiness. I tried to really look at myself and my face in each and wonder what people will think once I am gone.
“Such a happy girl,” or, maybe, “She was unhappy for so long...”
I don’t know. I’ve been to a few funerals, and you know how they have all those happy photos of the person smiling or doing things with the people they loved...I tried to wonder what photos they’d use of me. I don’t know why I care so much, I’d be dead anyway. Maybe it’s because I can feel the ending so near that I’m trying to actually process it? If that makes any sense? I just wonder. A lot. I feel terribly awful leaving behind my love. And my cat. And my sisters and family. But I also feel as though my choices have become so limited: I live a life suffering or I end it. It has taken me so, so long to think about this...sometimes I’d go back and forth, but I truly feel more and more of me becomes at peace with the thought of leaving.
My parter is lying beside me, sleeping peacefully. The cat is sleeping, as well, somewhere around the house...
The windows are open, it’s a beautiful summer night. Perfect, absolutely perfect.