And so I'm around everyone, supposed to be having fun. I see them all, laughing, smiling, talking about things important to them. If I focus hard enough, I can understand their German. But why bother.
I stand like a statue in the background, they don't notice me. I'm just another blonde girl with a drink in her hand.
FEEL SOMETHING. I scream at myself, but nothing happens.
My brain does not light up. I chug half of my vodka-orange juice, hoping it will spark something.
"I have to go up to my room quick." A lie. The other blonde girl giggles and says okay. I fake a cutesy smile and dash out before my "boyfriend" sees. I'm sure as I'm typing this he's wondering where I am. I appreciate it, Andreas.
Into the bathroom. Fatfatfat. I shove my fingers down my throat, hoping the combination of the whole pizza I had for dinner and three glasses of vodka orange juice will allow me to get rid of some of the bad feelings.
A little comes out, mostly the alcohol. I wish it was more of the pizza, but unfortunately my body has already tucked it away into my inner thighs.
I stand there for a second, I'm alone and feel at peace. Nobody on my floor is home to hear me puke it up. In this whole building I've found a place where I can hide, while the vibrations of a party beginning rumble under my feet, a constant reminder I have to be "social"
I guess I don't have to, but something tells me I should. If I lose that aspect of my humanity, what's the point? What are all the achievements for if there's no one to share them with. But again, is it a life worth living only to name drop experiences (drunk, bad grammar).... something something something
I should go back to the party, not pour my words out into some start-up social media site.
But, it is a bit of a cathartic experience.
I'll write again. I hope the weight stays off.