Depending on what other decent or horrific shit is going on in my life at any given moment, I go back and forth between feeling elated and embarrassed about still singing in a hardcore punk band.
I suppose if I was skinny and healthy and cute, it wouldn’t matter much but, as time crawls ever onward, and especially just after a tour, I find myself paying attention to this shit and it bugs me.
This shit still works, this being in a hardcore band thing. I’m still writing songs that I love hearing and am proud of, my voice is stronger than ever and - despite when I occasionally see a video or photo of me onstage looking bloated and pastey - I’m enjoying the love and attention the band is getting.
There is definitely something to be said for calling it a day when it’s warranted. Lord knows I've seen my share of punk and hardcore bands who skipped WAY past their expiration date into some dark, desperate place that even they don't enjoy. I always told myself that I would know when that time came. There is not a week..hell, a DAY...that goes by when I’m not pondering this reality many, many times over.
It’s become a part of who I am and how I arrive to certain decisions in my life.
Anyway, maybe it’s the post-tour exhaustion speaking. Or the fact that, for all that I’ve done this year, it still ain’t over and the band still has one last tour left before 2014 ends and I’m more than a little stressed out by it.
I’ll come clean and admit that the future scares me a little. My future, anyway. I’m 53 and have nothing much to fall back on once this music stuff dissipates.
I can draw and paint a little. I can record, screen print and tattoo a little. If worse comes to worse, I can make a latte. even if I never learned how to make those fancy foam flowers or whatever.
But for now, I’ll just do what I love doing most: singing and playing punk rock music for whoever listens. I still really love getting onstage in front of people and doing my thing for an hour, with people I love and trust who I enjoy doing it with.