Art by Jana Brike
I wonder if that's why romance writers write romance. I wonder if that's why most romance writers are women. And I wonder if it correlates with the fact that it's women's sexuality that's been suppressed out of fear by men for centuries, because if it were unleashed, it'd smite patriarchy like a bug. I wonder. I don't know if any of it is true but I do know it's true for me. Writing Janna is unlocking things I didn't know we're locked. I didn't know they were there.
I'll explain. By the way, if you're squeamish about things conventionally perceived as taboo and explicit, which I think is yet another shaming bullshit designed to control women, I suggest you read no further. If you're open to it, however, what follows might just be the ticket for you.
Get yourself comfortable, loosen your belt or your pants, or just plain read this naked. Ready? Here we go.
I get aroused by images of sexual violence.
I was very uncomfortable with this fact for a very long time and I suppressed it in me until I understood where it was coming from. It was coming from my childhood. As I was hurt and stimulated to orgasm without understanding what it was, my brain connected pain with pleasure and then both of them got connected with confusion and shame. This powerful cocktail became the foundation for my sexuality. I wasn't abused severely and consistently enough to become a psychopath or a serial killer or both (which is extremely rare for women, but things are changing). Thank God. But I did develop and internalized this drive in me, and I buried it deep. But the drive didn't go anywhere, and after I have started shedding my suppression and exposing my pain, it started coming out too. Simply put, when I write violent scenes describing Janna castrating men in all the gory details, my heart starts beating fast and he blood goes to my groin and my vulva gets all swollen and I have to either grab my vibrator and masturbate on the spot, or if Royce is home, rush downstairs and give him this look he came to know lately, which means, "You up for a little quickie?" Unless he is very sick, which is rare, he is always game. What a relief for me.
Now, back to the vibrator thing.