About to be a bit dark. As October approaches so does Erica's birthday (and mine). So I keep thinking about going to visit her but I just don't know if my heart can handle it.
The not knowing if E. will EVER be the same person again. The not knowing if she even recognizes us. The not knowing exactly what her condition is and will be is the most excruciatingly awful thing I have had to deal with.
Having friends die -- that's been awful. That's been tragic. But I can grieve. I can mourn. I have. I still miss them but they are gone. For good.
E. is still here. She's still very much a part of my thoughts. She's still very much a part of my life. It's like we're just doing our own things and in two weeks one of us will contact the other. Send some lame joke via email. Call. Text. FB message. Tweet the other. And things will be back to normal. But that's not happening. I see her # in my phone and I can't call her. I can't text her. I can't @ her and hope for a response.
I'm holding on hard to the voice & laughter I hear in my head, trying not to forget it because I don't know if I'll ever hear it again & that makes me anxious & weepy.
Friends. Extra hard squishes.