Somehow relapsing makes me feel in and out of control at the same time. Regret means nothing when you fall back into the same regrettable mindset at least twice a month. I'll be honest, it's hard and it gets harder and harder every time I let myself get the best of myself. Being addicted to no specific substance and no specific feeling is my everyday conflicting self inflicted internal battle. My mind is a mess because I know that it is a mess but I don't know what tool to use to clean it.
Within myself is someone who only wants to be dead but my external self knows that thats seemingly only the best option for me. I spend countless hours pondering the peace I will experience when I am at rest. Death is my final destination. The constant relapsing and loathing comes from the side of me that knows this.