I love Halloween so much but every year it feels like I've just missed whatever it is that I love about it. Most holidays feel that way. When I was a kid, Halloween was about going to rich neighborhoods and collecting as much candy as possible and looking longingly at groups of kids who were obviously friends or family when I was clearly alone or with my little sister, us running back to the car as soon as we finished the block so we could go to the next rich neighborhood until it was late and people had turned the lights off. I stopped going when we moved to Oklahoma, when I was thirteen. My mother had bought me a female devil costume, all red, and it felt too tight and revealing and I felt a great disappointment because we lived so far from town and I knew I was too old and too alone and too sad to have any fun. I stayed in the car while my sister went out and refused to participate. I just wanted to stay home and watch Halloween television. I was a difficult teenager, my mother decided. I still feel like a difficult teenager.