what follows is the preface to my forthcoming book "Quixotic Don". no, I don't expect you to get it but that doesn't matter I'm doing it anyway...
The Author's Preface
Idle reader: I intend that this book, as it is my own doing and not in any way borrowed from my betters, to be the foulest and most vial volume one could imagine. However, knowing full well that nature’s law is what it is, and that every mind is doomed to create its like, this shriveled, illiterate wit of mine is sure to present little more than mediocrity, full of used thoughts and infantile perversions. This dank cell, the sobs of my forgotten loves, a warm, moist night pampered by cocaine and bourbon, these are the things that kindle even the most barren of muses and bring to the world all of the ugliness and desperation she so richly deserves. Sometimes when a father is charged with the ugliest and most unworthy of stepdaughters the “love” he has for her blinds him to her inadequacies of mind and body, he may brag of her to friends, extoling the charms of her every orifice and of her willingness to suffering. I, admittedly, am but the stepfather to Quixotic Don (the following volume) and have no desire to follow other authors in imploring you, dear reader, to excuse the errors and missteps that will surly follow. The wrongness you will no doubt perceive should you be foolish enough to continue I will claim as part, if not all, of this volumes charm, assuming it has any at all. You are neither kin nor friend to this, my wicked stepdaughter, your desires are of course your own and being, I assume, in your own home, always remember the old saying “under my cloak I kill the king” , that is to say you are under no obligation whatever to me, this unworthy book or indeed anything excepting your own sovereignty. Say what you will of this feeble attempt at honest distraction, it will surly yield neither reward nor repercussion.
My wish is simple, that within these pages you find the filth and despair you, as all pitiful humans, truly deserve. That you recognize herein your true self, your hidden desires and passions and the vial dreams you secretly hold so dear. I have put quite a small effort into this composition, not the best of which has been spent on the preface upon which you now cast your half blind eyes. Many times I have sat here before my piece of shit keyboard intent on creating something we might share, something filled with wit and wisdom if not pure genius, this, as I have implied is not one of those times. Just now as I was composing the final few lines of this piece of total crap a coworker came in to bother me and idly ask what I was writing, I replied that I was just trying to string a few words together that virtually any reader would find offensive, thus causing them to abandon any will they may have had to, as they say, sally forth to the next page. She suggested that I make it clear to you that I in fact know the truth about you “dear reader”, that you are a no good worthless fuck, that you are weak, dull and ultimately dead. Furthermore I find, as I’m sure you find of most others, that your feeble attempts to make yourself somehow appear worthwhile are a total sham.
In conclusion my friend, I would strongly suggest that you stop here, close this page and never return. I am certain you do not want to hear the truth about your so called human condition, be reminded in no uncertain terms of your perverse and degraded nature, nor bear witness to mine. If you should ignore this warning and foolishly continue, which I anticipate, knowing your innate stupidity, you will, I expect you to keep your dull opinions to yourself. Should you have any questions or comments whatsoever rest assured I do not want to hear them and surly will not reply. That being said I would be remiss if I did not at least welcome you dear reader, which I will no doubt persist in calling you, and charge you with maintaining an open mind and reflective spirit. This is, after all, your story, though surly none but the most honest among you will recognize yourselves. In conclusion, go fuck yourself, yes, literally, it will put you in the right frame of mind should you, again, be stupid enough to continue.
Kennedy Funk (author and editor)
cc: @ellowrites @rickwayne