we can never go back. i know that now. we can only go forward. we can find the love our hearts long for, but not until we let go grief about the love we lost long ago, when we were little and had no voice to speak the heart's longing. all the years of my life i thought i was searching for love i found, retrospectively, to be years where i was simply trying to recover what had been lost, to return to the first home, to get back the rapture of first love. i was not really ready to love or be loved in the present. i was still mourning—clinging to the broken heart of girlhood, to broken connections. when that mourning ceased i was able to love again.
there's going to be many of these in the future.