Therapy. Doctors. Endless conversations. Even a hypnotist once.
“You’re in shock.” “You’ve experienced great tragedy and loss.” “Trauma plagues you every day.” “You need help.” “What you’ve experienced follows you every day.” “You’re demons will never leave you.” “Broken, you’re broken.”
Broken. Broken. Broken.
I don’t remember what it’s like to have a normal beating heart. Most people don’t think about it. The way your heart thumps in your chest. Most normal people don’t realize every pump of blood being surged through your body.
I do. I feel it every time. Every punch my heart throws against my chest. I feel it. All of them. The punches reverberate through my body. They shake me, throwing me off balance. My fingers tremble when I try to sleep at night. My thoughts pulse with my heart, causing my head to throb. I push at the sides of my head, trying to steady the millions of thoughts bouncing around. My breathing shortens. I suck in and never get enough air.
Air. A necessity. Breathe in. Breathe out. Live.
It hurts. The breathing. The beating of the heart. The thoughts. It all hurts. It’s painful. I want the pain to stop. I need the pain to stop.
The demons follow me around like a shadow. I hope that one day the sun will lower in the sky and the demons will scatter. But every time the sun starts to lower, the shadows just grow. The demons get stronger. They surround me. They descend on me. Cover me from head to toe. They climb in my body, shutting off my breathing as they force their way in my mouth. I suck for that air I’d come to despise so much but receive nothing. The demons claw at my skin, tug at my thoughts and remind me what I’ve done. What’s happened to me. Who I am.
“You’re nothing more than your trauma and you never will be.” “You’re broken.”
My demons whisper these thoughts every night. They chant them like a prayer. And I listen.
I repeat the chants.
The whispers start to come from a familiar voice. My voice. I whisper with my demons at night as I fall asleep. I am the whispers. I’ve become one with my demons. The voice is mine.
I am my own demons.
I am broken.
||madisonlawson.com Disclaimer: This work of fiction was originally featured on aknscRea.tumblr.com. his&HERS: the album,
Comes out Halloween 2016, on aknscRea.bandcamp. com.||