Growing Up & Moving On -- Starting Anew
Long time no talk, blog world.
I don't really have a good enough explanation for my absence. I got caught up in a whirlwind that was a scene and environment that ultimately wasn't healthy, and it took a huge toll on me as a person and my interpersonal relationships. I really have no one to blame but myself. I'm not mad- because at the time I thought that was exactly what I needed and where I needed to be, I wish I realized how wrong I was much sooner. In high school, I never really felt like I belonged- I think most of that was brought on by my own anxiety and letting myself get in my own way, but I really just couldn't find commonalities with anyone at that level. What I'm trying to say is that I never experienced things that I probably should've experienced in high school, for example, I never really partied, I never really drank, I was never around any sort of "illegal" substance, I had never had any "relationships". So, going into the "real world" by myself at the beginning of this summer was a huge shift for me. I decided that I needed to experience life the way I'd always imagined. This feeling of recklessness only carried into my first semester of second year, intensifying as my nineteenth birthday arrived. I was finally legal. Old enough to buy alcohol, get into bars and clubs- the world was at my feet. I had just gotten into my first "real" relationship- I thought it was love. See, the funny thing about my idea of love, is that I always thought it meant completely giving yourself to that person, and boy did I ever. He took that and ran with it. I don't blame him. He came from a completely different world than I did, he experienced everything I didn't in high school- but that also meant that he didn't realize what he was without anything from there. I loved him with everything I thought I had, but our relationship was toxic. We were just two completely different people that honestly brought out the worst in one another. Neither of us is to blame. It just didn't work. Coming to terms with this reality has been one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. That may sound silly to you, but it really is difficult for me. This boy became my world, I hung onto every word he said to me, I partied with him and his family, I accepted him for who he was- regardless of the "bad" things he did. Letting go of something that was your world for six months is not something to scoff at. I drank too much. I partied too much. I almost lost what is most important to me, which is my future. I spiralled downwards into this seemingly never ending black void and somewhere along the line I lost myself. I've been trying to find myself since.
But I've also realized, that I don't need to find myself. I need to start fresh and clean. I need to rebuild myself, because I've always been "me", I've just made some poor decisions- ones that I've learned from, and ones that I'll never make again.
For the past thirty days, I have taken more time to myself, I have been throwing myself into my studies (and succeeding), cut out the negativity in my life, and realized that I am worth something. I have a lot to give this world and it has a lot to give back to me. I just need to start embracing it. I've been reaching out to old friends, staying in close contact with my family (which is the most important aspect of my life), and really building a new support system-- one that's healthy, and keeps me thriving. I've been eating healthier, budgeting, scheduling, and really sorting myself and my life out to reduce stress. I recognize that in the past six months I did things and endured things that I am definitely not proud of, but I accept that they happened and I'm learning from them every damn day; and nothing is going to stand in my way anymore.
This time I am living MY life for MYSELF and no one else.
Sorry for the unbelievably long winded post- it was a long time coming and honestly I really needed to get this off of my chest.
All of the best,