the guilt, the pain and the sadness inside dwells upon me as hearing my own fathers action and words disgusts me.
People like to assume my father is caring and kind and he was but as the years gone by my youngest sister came into this world and it was a beautiful moment but that’s when my relationship with my father turned sideways. As I grew older, i felt like I needed to please my father all the time just to get his approval but as time changed I was tired of listening to him complaining and that’s when I would rebel against his words, if I wasn’t allowed to go out I’d sneak out, if I wasn’t allowed to have something to eat, I’d sneak into the pantry and grab food, it got to the stage where he locked the pantry so I wouldn’t take anything. I hated my father and the way he treated me, yes i wasn’t the perfect daughter that he wanted but no one is perfect everyone makes mistakes and it’s up to them to change it.
I also regretted acting out, everyday I wondered what if I changed my behaviour and changed things what would life be but my Mum told me I made the right decision of moving out and venturing out into a new beginning, she didn’t want me to be in the house anymore because of my father and she doesn’t want my younger sisters to be in the same position. Its sad that my own father doesn’t even want to talk to me or even call me his daughter but to be honest as harsh as it sounds I rather have no dad at the end of the day than feel depressed and unloved. My father doesn’t support anyone besides himself and Celine ( my youngest sister ) and doesn’t even bother with my Mum who works her but off, she cooks for him she washes his clothes she does everything for him and still he treats her like shit and for my other sister, she’s in the same place as I was two years ago, she drinks, she gets drunk she smokes yes she tells my mum that she does those things but she’s angry and sad that she needs a distraction and that’s what I hate seeing the most. My family is broken.
As I talked to my mother she said that I’m lucky to be with a guy who is supportive and she’s right I am. When I was younger I made an oath not to get into a relationship because I was scared that I would be in a toxic relationship. But as I learnt throughout the years not all guys are the same yes I’ve been with bad ones where things ended badly but I’ve also been in good ones like the guy I’m in love with today yes we fight and argue but as I always say relationships isn’t always smooth sailing, you just have to compromise, love each other, have each other’s backs and move on leave the negativity behind.
For my dad it’s different he has been like this for a long time now and it’s getting to the point where no one loves him anymore, not even my own mother who he has married for 11 years and it’s sad. It’s also sad that he gets jealous of my sisters and I if Mum is giving us more attention that him like what the fuck not everything involves around you 24/7. But I’m sick of it and I’m done trying as I said before I’m more than happy to have no dad than feel like shit all the time.
So for all the people who have asked me why I don’t talk to my dad or why I don’t see him... well this is my story and hope you understand why I don’t keep in touch with him.
Yes It may seem harsh and mean what I’ve said but try being in my shoes and see how it really feels.
Also for everyone who is in an abusive relationship please be strong and do what’s right for you because you are beautiful and don’t deserve to be treated like crap.
@ello @ellonew @ellowrite @ellophoto
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