Day 365 - Taking Point
Three sides to playing the martyr:
All I have to do, to be mentally ill, is to do nothing. I can just let others do to me. All I have to do is to suffer. The script is all laid out. I have no role to write, and I play my part by playing no part at all.
At work I laughingly call my home life The Family Reality TV Show. I'm so courageous to laugh in the face of adversity. So enduring... So much the sacrificial lamb.
There's dramatic tension in the role. How long can he go on without going postal? Is today the day we'll see him cry? Where's the popcorn? I and my audience play our parts well.
Like any well-crafted show the pacing keeps me involved. We agonize just enough to agonize again, tomorrow. No use getting it all out in one take when there's so much more drama to be squeezed out of breakfast. I wonder what lunch will bring?
It's no wonder I am despised when I walk away. I'm taking all the fun out of all the angst; just sucking it dry and leaving the small "r" behind. There's no fun in 'real life' without capitals and actors.
I may hate the addiction in my child's life, but I can't point at him without also pointing at myself when we're so tightly wound up in each other.