Day 360 - Day of Days
Three sides to silence:
I was eight years old when I first sacrificed myself to the needs of others. I had tried to tell my parents what had happened to me, but they were unable to hear. And out of shame and a beginning awareness that I had no worth, I sacrificed myself on the altar of making do. Rather than make them unhappy with me, I would pretend it hadn't happened, or that I didn't care.
This led, of course, to an inner rage that still expresses itself more than half a century later. And although that rage has mostly died away, the expression still remains. Thus, serenity still eludes me most nights.
Sometimes it does not. Sometimes I am serene; sometimes I am at peace. As I puzzle my way through this, I also ask myself how I know. How do I know I am resting in serenity and not hiding from rage?
The answer is clear. It comes from within, as all such answers do, from that place where the divine within me resonates with the divine without. The answer lies in simple joys for myself and acceptance of joy for others.
So, this fine Christmas morning, I am serene. I have a cat on my lap and a hot cup of coffee. My family is here and we are not arguing. I am happy for my Christian friends that they have this special day.
I have walked away from sacrifice and cannot hear the rage. I approach serenity on this day of days at the end of the year.
Nollaig Shona Duit to you all.