Day 364 - Sol Invictus
Three signs of despair:
When I criticize another
When I focus on the bad
When I act out of fear
I know when something is wrong, but I don't always know when it is me. I'm quick to catch it in others, of course; that's my nature. That's always been my nature. I deal the cards for others and think that I see them as they cannot see themselves.
It's a bit like the tarot, you see. When I roll out of bed, become caffeineted, and wake up enough to realize I'm already mad, it's like turning a card over, to find that the significator - the card meant to show me myself - is actually me. It's me, focusing on the negative, not someone else being 'bad'. Me.
If my breath catches as I forecast the day, if I don't find something else to dwell on, then I'm already in fear. The next card I'll turned over is what crosses me. All too often, if I'm really not thinking, really not living life with skill, I'll let that hand play out.
The third card is what turns the tide. Some people think that the third card represents an outcome. But since all the cards are doing is showing me myself, it really just represents my subconscious plan for the day. That's the plan the lizard-brain has. It's not mine. It's part of me, but it's not really mine.
What makes the day 'mine' is when I refuse despair and replace it with marmalade. It's mine when I make something of it, when I make lemonade from vinegar and salt. It's mine when I take responsibility for my day. It's mine when I turn the last card over, set aside fear and use its energy to look for the light in the reflected Me.
I choose to see the light. I will always choose to see the light.