LIFE IS MADE OF TIME
I finally figured out what's wrong, why I feel like I'm made of broken glass: Life's gotten too big. Everything is too much to manage. That's why I feel crazy and out of control.
My gut instincts have been screaming at me, so hoarse they are almost voiceless now, screaming at me to cut back! cut back! cut back! I want a different life than the one I've been sold as "normal."
I've been decluttering all the STUFF, the excess stuff, out of my life for months. I'm still drowning in crap so it hasn't been very efficient decluttering, but I've been trying. I quit a job that was driving me crazy and hurting me physically but the better, replacement job evaporated so we've been slipping behind. Our bills are too high for just the one income and that SUCKS.
Everything in me is yearning for a recklessly simple life. Life out of a camper van. A life of community. A life of reaching out, experiencing new places and people, exploring, connecting. I want laughter and music, I want quiet, empty nights under the stars, I want camp fires and stories, adventures and poetry. ... I don't want a smaller life, I want a bigger life, a wide open life, one where everything I need fits in a camper van so I can travel and stop wherever I want to stop. I want a life worth living, not the constant collecting of objects I don't need, not the endless obligation of working a job I hate, or my husband working one he hates. Working is fine, but the way things are, work feels so disconnected from life... and yet it sucks up SO MUCH TIME and life is made of time.
Life is made of time. I need to find a way. I need a way to get to the point where we can truly decide how we want to spend each day. Working will be part of that if the work makes sense, if the work fits, if the work actually builds the life we want. I have to think about this a lot more. This will not be an easy maze to think my way through.