I got wine drunk.. and wrote; big surprise.
Hard sharp lines; those I have crossed.
I even swam over them.
I was more than happy to break the rules that were presented to me.
The repercussions have not caught up with me yet.
The only outcome is it having brought me happiness.
My almost complete happiness.
Happiness and love in my heart and mind.
I have high hope that this rose won't wither away in my arms.
Am I romanticizing myself and the idea of us?
The signs show me love, or something quite close to it.
Oh how strongly I desire for this concentration to skip dilution.
To hold on to its strength for as long as it can.
I hold on to the idea of real.
but not painfully real.
I hope to gain all that will help me grow without destroying what I hold dearly and protectively.
The very thing that many have come to destroy.
I blame myself for the destruction of my heart.
The aching pain.
The long, lasting throbbing sorrow that overcomes me.
The damage that sends me into a different realm of myself.
I become the very thing i fear.
destruction, malicious, and selfish.
The hurt becomes the inflict-er of damage without any guilt in the world.
I use and use.
I use for emotional satisfaction.
but mostly, physical.
I wondered if stepping into this new world of mine, that I was using this person to mask emotions that had resided from my past, but the longer i stayed the more evident it was that I was not stuck in the past, I hadn't even committed enough to become sticky.
The only thing I am guilty of, was causing someone to love me completely, and effortlessly and for me to not give myself whole.
I loved, but not enough, and in the end destroyed a person.
I destroyed a good person, and brought out the devil in him.
Most days I miss him.
Not his love, but his friendship, because at the end of the day, he was me in male form, and also my best friend.
Now this man hates me, and its all my doing and while I am moving along, and falling in love, I often wonder how he is, if hes sane, or if hes losing himself in a different person every night, searching for me... or something close to it.
I tend to destroy that love me the most, and ultimately causing the worst to come out.
The worst comes out, and I call it quits.
I thinks that's always a part of my ultimate plan.
The plan to keep moving until i truly find what satisfies me.
A love ill feel so complete.
I think I've found it, and its terrifying me..
There's something about the man I now share most of my nights with.
His demeanor, nerdy and flirty, drew me i from day one.
He is someone I am so sure of.
Making me feel like I've never been sure about anything, or anyone else.