THINK THURSDAY, On thursdays I will explore myself, and share it with you.
My greatest fear is that the one I love will be faced with the end product of the the best and more often the worst of my upbringing. I with every conscious cell strive toward correcting these often bewildering and enigmatic factors of my personality. However I am stuck almost as if these idiosyncrasies are so deeply programed that no matter how aware of their presence I am, I'm continually crushed under the sword of defeat. I say to myself "I love him, and I want to change for him" I repeat this mantra, dedicated, and mentally diligent. There is a process, there is a synapse fire that is hidden from my consciousness, silencer on a pistol, a quiet piercing, that with light speed unbeknownst to me cripples the seemingly outstanding progress I so feel I have made. These habits, these pattern, I speak of are that of severely repressed, vindictively expressed emotions. These things i so passionately believed I was fighting against have manifested themselves in ways i always " prayed " they wouldn't. I have a chance, I am handed a chance with every passing moment, to add a shape that shakes the pattern, to add a digit that alters equation.
I am now seeing, through searching for the moment after the "=" sign, that in order to fully change the results, I must go back to my notes, I must revise my memories through at mature lens, I must show forgiveness, I must forgive time for its constant and uncontrollable ebb and flow, and for its crashes on my beaches, and for in places eroding the sand of my shores.