BREAKING: After a long and storied career as the top Made-Up Scandal of the 21st Century, Benghazi has finally succumbed to reality today. On this tragic day, the House Intelligence Committee has come to an unexpected conclusion, that on that other tragic day, and the days that followed, everyone did their best. This is a common story, one we’ve all heard before, where an established Made-Up Scandal is unable to sustain it’s media star power; where it’s formidable influence is lost in an instant, like a balloon overflowing with furious hot air rushing blindly into a lone, nearly invisible needle. A needle of filthy truth, supported by knowledge and facts.
We all remember those early halcyon days, jubilant times of hope and anticipation for the newborn Made-Up Scandal. Would it achieve as much as its predecessors, could this be the one to finally rescue us from our long national nightmare. Would we finally overcome our shame, our emasculation, our fear. We were all so positive, beaming with excitement, at the potential of this single-word, non-gate, non-sensical Made-Up Scandal. Despite the foreign-ness of the name, we all got behind it, saying it over and over again, from dinner tables to country clubs, from coal mines to Wall Street, from dentist offices to Beverly Hills, we all repeated this awe inspiring word: Benghazi. Benghazi. Benghazi.
In our minds it was so real, so true, so clear that this should, and would, change everything. No more calm, patient, presidential black man leading us to the brink of affordable health care. No more of this slow, steady, sustainable economic growth. No more of this (sort of) ending wars thing. We could finally get back to working long hours for low wages, giving tax breaks to our future rich selves, blowing some shit up, and sucking it up until we drop dead. As time went on, our confidence grew. Investigation after investigation was announced. Every paper, every cable news channel, had babbling patriot after babbling patriot saying the mighty, meaningless word, over and over again. It was everywhere; it was bigger than Bill Clinton’s huge throbbing cock, more prominent than Whitewater, maybe even bigger than the Human Butt itself.
Now here we are, on this sad, sad, stupid day. When for the eighth (and definitely not last) time an investigation has once again confirmed our worst fears. Benghazi is dead. Caput. It never was, still isn’t, and will never become a real, True Scandal. It turns out that our Soldiers, Secret Service, and State Department employees did their jobs to the best of their abilities. Who would of thought, not us obviously, but there you have it, it’s official. So lets raise our glasses in honor of this poor, sad, desperate, Made-Up Scandal and pray for something shiny to come along and rescue us from ourselves once again.