I just sat through "The House of The Devil" and it was the slowest dullest thing I have seen since that documentary on the Helvetica font. Let's recap.
Text appears on screen reminding you about the Satanic Cult paranoia of the 70's and 80's. Already we know how this movie is going to go.
Introduce Samantha and have her whine for 19 full minutes about being a broke college student.
Her snarky friend drives her to a babysitting gig, which turns out to actually be a one night senior care gig for Mr. Tall Dudes mother inlaw. This takes 13 minutes.
Snarky Girl drives home, but stops for a smoke. A hipster bear scares her and lights her cigarette. Snarky Girl smiles then gets snarky and accusatory, hipster Bear blows her brains out, bogarts and starts smoking her freshly lit cigarette. 4 minutes.
Samantha and Tall Dude are still ironing out the details of the gig. And meets his wife, BitchFace. BitchFace creepily flirts with her. TallDude nags her three times about how there is a pizza delivery number on the fridge. We know where this is going don't we? And it only took ten minutes.
Samantha calls Snarky Girl, who only left 10 minutes ago. answering machine. Immediately redials. Then calls the pizza guy, of course. 3 minutes.
Samantha mopes about for 12 minutes has an 80's style "look how hard I am trying to have fun" dance sequence and breaks a vase, snoops in a closet and finds BitchFaces Fur coats that she said were in the basement, and a photo of some other family with TallDudes car. 15 minutes including mope time.
Remember 35 minutes ago? HipsterBear JUST finished that cigarette. We are at the hour mark. 35 minutes to go.
Samantha calls SnarkyGirl's answering machine again. Calls 911 and hangs up. Operator calls her back and informs her about the purpose of 911. 8 minutes.
Sam grabs a knife, thinks about snooping and gets scared by the doorbell. She tips $12 on an $8 pizza, slams the door in the delivery mans face and hugs the pizza box. HipsterBear after delivering the pizza just circles the house. Samantha takes one bite of pizza and scraps it and starts listening to sinks. OMG! Black hair in the sink! Let's check the attic! Hmm dark. Ooh a light switch! Oops I blew every fuse in the house, except the one on the other side of the door in front of me. Ooh some one is lurking and the pizza was drugged. 8 minutes.
Oops! Samantha is tied to a pentagram on the floor and TallDude, BitchFace and HipsterBear are watching UglySatanHag perform a blood ritual on Samantha. babysitter Magic Activate! Sam breaks free. Finds SnarkyGirl's corpse in the kitchen. Runs to second floor. Kills HipsterBear. Runs to attic. Kills BitchFace. Finally realized down and out is better. Grabs gun (finally), calls 911. Gets a migraine. Stabs TallDude. Runs past her friends car....to the cemetery. TallDude follows and babbles. She realizes she's prego with devil babies. Blows her brains out. Oops she botched it. She's a prego veggie in a hospital.
Wow that sucked.