i am going to leave. vermont. my support system. my dog who is going to die.
it's terrifying and exhilarating
this is my ritual to honor the space i have grown in
i want to leave here raw. i have spent so much time polishing. i want to be fucking messy and out of control, i want it to burn. it burns in me sometimes and i can’t explain it. that raw creative energy. this is what i want to harness better, make it practice, turn it from that
late night angst passion sex anger sadness the inability to move love that heavy heavy heavy ness that is in my legs and back and arms and neck and head going going going going turning over and over in bed sheets no sheets momentumless skinless opened opener opening spilling from my fingers into my mouth into my your ears minds turning over and over sheets no sheets heavy heavy heavy soft soft soft gaining going going frozen that pushing pushed out of bed topography of naked body on its side rainbow refraction wasted mediocre poetics and self portraits no one will ever see archived for posterity senseless materiel practice pens penis pencil avoided responsibility dropped ball writing everyday not never yet going going going too to two days till the weekend till i see you till till till i’m gone red gold blue blouse button battery brocade ball gown watched me dance with my ass out like i do late at night when no one is watching this is everything i’ve ever made condensed and it’s all missing missing mixxed missed context verbal vogue tongue twister section sectioned off look how messy i can be see see see me walking talking late night monologue
i want to feel powerful, tall beautiful (break your perception of beauty - smash it on the floor right now).
i want to leave here raw, ready to face newness and unknown turning turning turning, wannabe radical queer how to end it here though? leave it messy. don’t say goodbye. open it.