Walking through the tall grass tripping with almost each step now. I'm thirsty and skinny as a rail. The beaten path is only four feet to my left but I Insist on blazing my own trail threw the over growth and weeds. The beautifully groomed joggers in their over priced spandex suits and Nike running shoes are sprinting past me in easy strides. Some glance towards me curious as to why I'm over here scrambling to make it across the field taking the hard way when Clearly there is an easier road. Others don't even notice. Focused on their goal any distraction is burned from their minds. They are hell bent. "What goal?" I ask myself. "What are they chasing? Why are any of us out here?!" I see a sign up ahead on the edge of their well trodden path and my hope rises, I gain momentum. My vision is unclear but surely as I get closer I'll find direction! But like in a dream when you can't read words right in front of your face I realize I'm still lost. No one is going to lead me and (let's just be honest here) I'm terrible and following directions anyway. Isn't that why I' making my way through this tall grass in the first place?
There is a strange addiction to depression. Sadness, and I don't mean the kind that you feel after watching a heart wrenching movie, no, sadness that fills you and drains you at the same. The kind that accompanies paralyzing fear and overwhelms all your other senses so that you can no longer function from any other perspective other than this. I have almost no control over my emotions. They move me without asking permission. Sadness and fear are almost the safest ones I know because they ground me. The biggest mistakes I've ever made came from an inflated ego. Somehow I've either learned or taught myself that the only safe way to make it across this field is threw the weeds. On my own.
I know I chose the heavier harder path. I choose it everyday out of habit I suppose. I'm not as dumb as everyone thinks but maybe a bit dumber than I think. I'm not the only one trudging along here through the rougher less traveled areas of this field and not nearly as scratched and torn as some of the others, but I am one of the ones who refuses camaraderie. There is something ingrained in me, a sort of stubbornness that wills me to do t alone with One exception; the one just up ahead that I keep my eye on. He unwillingly guides me, frustrated with my incompetence every time I fall. Proud of me every time I get back up. Nothing in this world scares me more than his disappointment. Sometimes we both wonder if I'll ever have the streangth to keep up but then that old pain in me rears up and declares The Real Streangth Lies in Doing this Alone! No matter how much my heart longs to make it threw side by side.
I realized once while doing a different kind of tripping, the kind that involves fungi that we truly come into this world alone and we Will leave the same way, so everyday I practice the art of suffering alone so that maybe it won't be so hard in the end? To put that into words wakes me up to how sad that way of thinking is! Yeah..but trust falls aren't really my thing. Let's face it though, you find yourself doing them anyway all the time no matter how much you try not to.
I pretend I'm stumbling through this field alone but what a lie. No. I'm. Not. There are people everywhere. I am Not Alone! The struggle is real, the reason for it? Not so much. Self fulling prophecy, depression and addiction. Circumventing every helping hand. Holding on strong to the belief that " I DONT NEED ANYONE" while drowning in sorrow. Ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous! Acting like an old English trail blazer pushing threw the planes of Wyoming freezing and starving to death refusing guidance from the Native scouts offering all of their knowledge who have treated this ground for thousands of years, but no! I know better, after a I have been alive for 38 years now. Who knows better than I? I will make it on my own! Carve that into a stone next to my decaying head while you shake yours in disbelief. Then below that carve into the stone "we tried."