The days continue where I can continue to get it right... my heart is heavy and my mind is not even on my side.
Today I went to little festival to help my uncle that wanted pictures and I didn't want to get out of bed like the days I was in Phoenix... but it seemed like I had to be there and help. Every time I took a picture, my drug was wearing off. I look at my camera thinking what's the point of this... the only skill I see myself have and I'm starting to hate it because of my depression... I can't get over the fact that I keep failing... usually I don't care about being the bad guy, the asshole, the douchebag, villain etc.. but now I'm too sensitive to be that... too weak because I am disliked by a part of my family that meant a lot to me... I guess that's what finally broke me, finally a man with many problems just didn't seem I would fuck up with my family... it's gray, my favorite color. It's gray in my life, it's full of sorrow, and I admitted to my mom that I was suicidal. She cried... and I can admit my eyes were red the whole day... I don't know I'm just babbling and talking... I chose this path and I will continue to deal with this alone... my trust issues have gotten worse and I know anger will come after... Forever alone just cause I want to be.
One thing I didn't have to see is my ex saying her life is "blessed".... I guess I'm just the problem to anyone's life... I will continue to wait for an end.. an end of me and this curse I call my life...