There once was a girl named Luna. Since she was a girl she loved all dairy products; cheese curds, yogurt, milk. Her own mother even grew up on a dairy farm. It was practically in her blood to enjoy and consume dairy. However, one day she faced a strange predicament. Seconds after consuming said dairy products in her school lunch, she became consumed with gas. Her bowels felt as if they were reigning terror upon her immune system. She rushed to the bathroom and tried to conceal the war occuring inside of her; one against lactose and her digestive system. As she sat upon the porcelain throne in the girl’s bathroom, she wondered how ever such a thing could occur to her, a child of a dairy farmer. Surely, she was born with dairy and raw milk already coursing through her veins. She could become one with the milk, sure-- but being allergic to it, no way. So, she googled. She googled and googled and googled. Until she found the answers to all her problems. She was lactose intolerant. There was no doubting it, WebMD had told her so and as far as she knew in the moment, that was enough evidence to have her convinced. However, Luna was not satisfied. She decided to run an experiment; a sinister one- to her own body, that is. She made the decision to consume as much lactose as physically possible in one day. She woke up in the morning and instead of brushing her teeth with water, she used low fat milk. Instead of washing her hair with water, she used Vitamin D milk (good for the scalp). She wanted to know just how much lactose her body could physically handle. It turns out, not a lot. On her 78th glass of milk for the day, Luna fainted. It was in the middle of her third period biology class where, ironically, they were carrying out a study regarding the consumption of animal products by humans. Her teacher, Mrs. Butterworth rang the office immediately and she was rushed to the hospital. At the hospital, however, the surgeon knew that something wasn’t right with Luna and surprisingly it had nothing to do with the seventy-eight glasses of milk she had consumed.
“It appears,” said the surgeon, “that Luna does not have a single trace of human DNA in her genes.”
“How could this possibly be?” Retorted Luna’s mother.
“We’re still trying to figure that out, ma’am,” replied the surgeon, “however, we are sure of the fact that she has an excessively close relation to the DNA of cows.”
It turned out that Luna herself was a cow and the reason she could not consume lactose was not based on the fact that she was human, but the fact that she had stretched past the age of weaning for cows. To this day, no one knows how Luna’s mother happened to birth a cow. Life is crazy.