When my memories play over and over again in my mind, there’s a bit of a haze surrounding them, like I'm watching them while wearing rose colored glasses
Perhaps, this is why I find myself wanting to go back to what my life was 5 years ago. I want to go back to what my life was 5 years ago because I’ve damn near erased almost every single one of those traumatic experiences that happened during that time from my conscious memory; of course I want to go back.
What I see are just fragments of the whole picture, and I forget how dark and ugly the whole picture is.
Sometimes, the stuff that didn’t get erased surfaces again. It takes a long time for me to process it, to try to piece back whatever’s left. But when I do so, my stitching is off, and all of the trauma melds into one. Everything is blurred, and I have no sense of the when or the why, of what’s real, and what isn’t real.
Still, the conglomerate of all those should be enough for me to realize that, no, I do not want to go back to 5 years ago. It wasn’t better then, it never will be better then, no matter how convincing it may seem