The gif set appeared on my dash a few weeks ago and I thought of it as I was watching an episode of Geass. It hits home, for many reasons. It reopens a wound that hasn't fully healed.
When I look at it, I'm reminded of the self that existed when I was 15 years old. I'm reminded of the anger, and hatred I had, and an animosity matching that of Suzaku's when I pointed the gun at my own head.
I read through a lot of my old posts on both my old writing blog (which is now just a b/w blog), and my private writing blog, and I think I'm still coming to terms with how things have changed in the last few years. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like anything has changed at all, because I still have the gun in my hands. It's still loaded, still ready to fire.
But . . . Looking at Suzaku now, I realize some of that hatred has dissipated. I look at myself a little more softly now, a little forgiveness in my eyes. I don't have the gun pointed directly at my head all the time, but I do still carry it around, fully loaded and waiting.
Maybe, I'm still getting used to the fact that I've certainly grown over the last few years. I've silenced the voice in my head that tries to convince me I don't deserve to be better, for the most part. There's a lingering echo that remains, and sometimes, when I'm really down, there's a regret that comes with silencing it to begin with.
And maybe, most definitely, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the idea that some of the people I've hurt on multiple occasions still care for me. I think it's unfair for me to receive with giving anything in return, but I'm trying to understand that I am not the judge of what I've given, and what I've taken. If people want to leave, they will leave.
There are times when I wish the emptiness and loneliness I felt in high school was never filled. I wish I let it consume all of me so that it made me angrier, and more bitter, so that it deterred everyone in college from getting too close to me because hell, I still think I deserve it.
And I always find myself wishing that I didn't open up and make myself vulnerable because it's a scary thing to have people know so much about you, especially when they end up leaving sooner than you'd think.