Rest Takes Care of All the Rest
Have you ever wondered what makes us human? Well, I got news for you it ain’t sin or fault. Choice and thought weighed against morality is what makes us humans human. Morality as a concept rose from mortality. The fact that life a journey of purpose built on reason and principles, ends; is what triggered the importance of choice and thought in humans. Thought created definitions and principles that classified things and concepts giving them values, limits, endurance, existence, inexistence, impact, and potential. In this sense, life and death can be concept built on normalcy to be a cycle of existence ending in inexistence or a purpose that’s been or exhausted. But then again, choice, made life and death a decision qualified as good or bad timely or untimely, well spent or wasted.
Because we are human we live to think and go on by making choices. Some think of a higher order and purpose so they elect to follow orders and be religious. Some choose not to think but prefer to handle their existence with day to day choices. And because everything begins with a mentality that begets a way of thinking that leads to choices; everything begins with just a thought. Just the thought that thought begins the moment they cut your cord; marks the signal for go solo. Just the thought that death happens when you go six feet below for a bed presses the stop button and you become a hollow. Just the thought that if we were made to mind death everyday, we would cease to walk this earth knowing that the dirt we are walking on used to be someone somehow. Then again everything ends in a moment…In just a moment of weakness, depression, and desperation we give up, stop fighting, and succumb to hurt. In just a moment of confusion, haplessness, and fear we loosen our grip on reality, hope, and priority. In just a moment of loneliness, desertion, and rejection we break down, lose our minds, and drift away. But then again life and death are moments…Life is a moment that marks a start where reason and purpose are at heart where existence is a consistence founded on resilience and defiance. Death is a moment that marks an end where chaos and haplessness conquer the mind and soul to settle in one’s heart where inexistence is indifference founded on haplessness and weakness. Then again because we are humans we must remember we are the way we are because of the way we think we are. We must accept we are the choices we make because we only get what we are willing to accept.
If you tell yourself it’s okay when it’s not then you are choosing to lie to yourself. If you tell yourself I’ll face pain tomorrow then you are choosing to procrastinate. If you tell yourself I deserve better or I can do better or I can stop this pain then you will because you won’t settle for less! So how do we decide when to call it quits or to keep trying and stand our grounds? Timing in this matter is a tricky thing. Methods of thinking will vary but one thing is for sure, you need a buffer. Kindness and realism are wonderful buffers. Kindness is an elastic fabric stretched over a solid sturdy frame called realism. With kindness you can absorb shocks bounce back from failures, get up from falls, regain your strength and regroup your thoughts. No am not talking about kindness from others. I am talking about kindness to yourself. In this sense, realism is the basis for stretching kindness’ fabric appropriately so that it won’t tear, it can catch all your falls, cover all areas you could fall from, and so that you can last till your time comes and you’ve served your purpose.
For me, I have died many times in this life though I’ve lived very few moments almost like a white a hair in the back of a black ox. Still, I’ve stretched those moments to water an eternity of faith, hope, stubbornness and determination to persevere, endure, and achieve. I’ve faced death many times, I’ve lost myself, my kids, my loved ones, and my friends to it in ways more painful than what I can put in words. I’ve watched my world tumble down into ashes only to be blown into the wind making the very dirt I walk on. If I wanted to contemplate death as a choice to take a step towards a solution, I should’ve been dead a long time ago by suicide or euthanasia. I’ve been sick for years physically and emotionally but it’s made me more fierce. I’ve had my days where I’d fall apart reminiscing times when loved ones were there when I turned to touch them and when pain was just waiting in a hall or a matter of coming up with an idea of what to do next or facing the fact that I didn’t get a perfect score!
I can’t speak for people who opt to put a stop to their suffering. God knows, I’ve contemplated that but in a moment of clarity I decided to shut down and go numb. I decided not to think, not to feel, not to forecast, not to want, not to wish and not to dwell. It was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I won’t call it escapism because I knew I had problems and I still do but I’d rather call it plugging my mind to a charger and waiting for the battery to reach a 10% so that I can make a call. No not a phone call, a decision. Today, it’s been 4 years since I’ve lost two kids, a father, four best friends, and a couple of relatives, a high paying job, a home, and a family. I survived by setting goals I can take over short courses of time. Little by little my tears dried, my insomnia dwindled, my stress and anguish faltered, my worries and nightmares perished, and my heart replenished with hope, faith, and strength. I even found love and the desire to start again with a plus: doing what I love most: writing, farming, and cooking. Life is very simple but we humans are intricate and fragile creatures that tend to complicate things for ourselves. I won’t call it overthinking but I would dare say mixing fears with priorities, hurts with losses, wins with whims, haplessness with facts, choices with mistakes. Sometimes, we just need to freeze our minds in time, isolate ourselves from social circles, numb our hearts from mood changes, and simply stop in our tracks. Choice is a road that leads to a destination often unseen when you are on the path but if you are coming from a height or a distance you can see how deep, how far, how winding, or how direct, how right, and how close you are to your destination.
In this sense, I can’t say I qualify suicide as something wrong or euthanasia the same because these are choices for people who have thought about those two concepts. The idea of getting to the point where these two concepts are a choice is a path that is all wrong to me to begin with. Life is initially a journey built to run its course with death being its end. Like any vehicle, life needs fuel and a spark to burn that fuel. Purpose is life’s fuel, and reason is its spark. If you have fuel, but no reason, your journey will end and the opposite sense will have the same result. Sometimes all you need is to take a step backward, take a break, make time, contemplate, breath, break down how you feel, break down your thoughts, face your fears and pains, and realize your losses and gains. Don’t listen to those with kind words. Hear what they say but listen to your heart. Grieve, laugh, get mad, lose your shit, but don’t bottle up because all bottles have a limit and when that limit is breached, it will spill all its contents. For me, suicide is a thinking process that derails life off its course denying its purpose and sparking fires in others’ in the form of questions without answers. Euthanasia is another form of suicide only you hand over the choice of denying purpose to a soul you choose to victimize because you can’t do it yourself. I don’t believe there are cowards when it comes to suicide but I do believe there are misguided, lost, hurt, scared, traumatized, abused, belittled, rejected, and rebuked souls that were forced emotionally to take life out of its course.
To sum things up, life is a beautiful tragedy built on the illusion of finding happy where death is the only inevitable reality. There is a cycle and reason to every existence where the cycle is the purpose and the reason is the balance but it’s up to us to design, direct, and control our cycle using balance to stay on track, keep track of time, and not crack along the way inside out. Like Audrey Hepburn once said “I don’t care how good looking you are, if you’re ugly from inside then you are ugly on the outside”. How can someone appreciate life and aspire to go on if they died from inside or chosen to die from inside? How can you find balance if you don’t know what weights you are putting in both hands of the scale? Clarity and mentality give experience its personality making room for actuality to become a solid and viable reality. In this sense, don’t say you are okay if you are not, don’t live your life for anyone or according to anyone, don’t be strong when you should be sensitive and vulnerable especially when it comes to pain. You don’t need affirmation to exhibit pain and you definitely don’t need anyone to recognize that you are in pain. Wear your heart on your sleeve but remember it’s your sleeve and you decide whether you buckle it up, fold it, cut it, or just leave it open to blow in the wind. Living is like breathing. It can’t be controlled and it shouldn’t be interrupted.
When we stop living we die everyday slowly, deeply, and madly yet quite earlier than our bodily decay. My secret is learning about myself not about how to protect myself from others or circumstance but how to understand why I feel things, how I feel, and how to control, redirect or address my feelings. We are so busy with preserving status and interest we forgot that all that living is a continuous fight that requires a soul that’s tasted rest in being content with itself. We only rise when we are rested. We only fall when we are exhausted. As I lay my quill to rest, my soul rests that my worries will still be there but I have a mind that’s rested long enough to face the world and the rest of its cares.
This is my take on life, death, suicide, and euthanasia made to rest as I rest my mind to face the rest that is to come.
Inspired by: Fellow and Brother Michael's poem: Dynamically Balancing The Probability of Death https://allpoetry.com/poem/13826574-dynamically-balancing-the-probabilities-of-suicide-by-smilingStocks
And Michael's contest prompt: Rendezvous with death https://allpoetry.com/contest/2700430-rendezvous-with-death