I am working on my comedic writing and thought this was funny enough that I had to share it here. Since I guess this could be a writing sample.
Now, presented for the safety of the public.
Imagine the future, during the impending zombie apocalypse. You are, of course, fighting on the side of humanity. You have risen in the ranks and are leading a small but scrappy band of resistance fighters. For time frame we must qualify, this is before humanities semi-surprising defeat, but after the completely expected point where I betrayed humanity and joined with the zombie horde.
As twilight descends you are facing me and my throng of necromantic minions across a bloody, smokey field of battle. Standing next to you is your second in command, let's call him John because names are hard and this is, after all, just an advertisement. No use spending brain power on the secondary characters.
As we stare at each other and work up our bloodlust you raise your voice and shout. "Patrick... you sick bastard! I read your book!" With the education system being what it is we will ignore for now whether or not you know that you're plagiarizing Patton. John, you remember John? Not to be outdone, raises his own voice and screams. "Me too, and I paid full price!"
So the battle ensues, and inevitably my zombies overrun you. All of your soldiers (who did not buy Old Odd Ends) are dead. You and John lay wounded in the dirt. You can survive if we leave you alone, and the zombies are milling but not attacking. You hear the squelch of my boots as I approach through the mud caused by the death of your followers. You look into my eyes and gasp out...
"I... even left... a review... on... Amazon!"
I smile at you, it's an evil thing, but it's something. I turn. Yes! I am going to let you live! I look at your old friend John and you hear my soulless voice slither through the deepening night. "Did you review it?" The bottom drops out of your stomach. You know the answer to that and you're about to be alone on this field.
We all know you have until April 21st, 2019 (the day astrologically determined as the one when patient zero has turned enough people into zombies for the war to be inevitable) to avoid being one of those silly soldiers. You even have that long to avoid part of John's fate.
You only have the rest of today to avoid paying for the book like he did. Free through today, full price tomorrow. hyperurl.co/9a1fe9
Go get it now!