There is something dark and self destructive inside of the part of me that writes. I know I'm not alone in this. We all have it. Today it is very strong.
Writing is my release, the thing that makes me feel good, and good about myself. This thing inside is doesn't want to be happy. Most days I sit down to write and get the feeling of, let's do this. Then there are the days when the dark place speaks. It says, 'Why bother? This is just another thing you're failing at. Nobody cares and you're just doing this for yourself. You're being selfish.' Sometimes I listen to that voice.
Today it is speaking because of a job situation. One where a criteria was added that disqualified me after I was in discussion about moving towards an interview. Things happen and that's okay but because I have been unemployed for so long it is triggering and feeding self doubt.
Now, the funny thing is there are times that I have to put writing aside for a couple of days. When I lose the joy and it isn't my art but a thing I'm doing because I'm supposed to. I'm not that kind of writer. I write because I love it, because it is my addiction, because I have to. It is not a chore, it is a pleasure. When it becomes a chore I need to step away and let the love and lust for it come back.
The thing inside plays on that and tells me I'm in one of those times, but in truth those periods are very rare and don't last long. When I give in to the false times I get down. When I'm down that voice gets stronger and because my spirit is weak I listen to it and I spiral down. The circle gets vicious and repeats until I force myself to write. The only way past the doubt is to start tapping out words, but it gets so hard at times. I need to write myself out of the shadows of this terrible place but I don't want to because I'm not sure I can leave, that I even want to.
This is one of those times and I need to get past it. It is time to go and write so that I feel better. That's the funny thing. It's like I hear people talk about with exercise. I tell myself I'm not in the mood, I'm too depressed. So I avoid the cure for the depression that is sitting right there. I'm not going to do that this time but I got to thinking about it because I almost just did nothing tonight.
Like I said, I'm not alone and I know that. This is not a personal hell but one all artists seem to share. So why am I saying all this out loud? Because I'm a writer and we are a verbal species. When these thoughts are in my head they mean nothing. Only when I share them are they real, and I know I have done something that now make me accountable. Also, maybe, just maybe, these thoughts will help someone else. Since I truly believe all writers want to touch, teach, and inspire (at least on some level) I am saying this for the same reason I write. There are things and stories to share and this is one of them.
So when you get there remember, it's not useless. Your art is not a chore, it is part of who you are. A beautiful part that the world deserves to see, even if it is only a few people that look. I'm writing for the story, and for me, and hope people eventually read my words and see where I'm pointing. I hope they stop and realize that there is something beautiful inside all of us, even a guy like me. There is something beautiful inside of all of you too, and I want to see it. Even if I disagree with your words, even if I find them distasteful, it doesn't matter. The beauty is in your strength of will, your dedication to the intelligence and the craft, and your courage in sharing them. So keep pushing those words out and let them shine on us all. Now it is time to go take my own advice.
@kseniaanske I had to tag you in this. I was going to post it anyway but seeing your post about the message you got told me it was a weird synchronicity. You, and the one who sent you your message are not alone. None of us are and it is important to remember that.