In just under a week it will be 7 years since I whispered "Happy Birthday, I love you Abbey" into my old girls ear, smelled the top of her head one last time and gave the vet the okay to release her from her suffering as I terrifyingly took on the world, without her.
I didn't know how I was going to do it. 13.5 years we shared.
Day 1 without her, I opened my eyes and forgot as long as I could. Then I made my way towards the top of the stairs, knowing she would not be physically there ever again.
"Day 1" I said out loud, to no one, and sat down on the top stair for 20 minutes.
"Day 2" I said out loud, to no one, and sat down on the top stair for 18 minutes.
It took 10 days before I got up and just walked down the stairs.
Last week I "saw" Abbey. It was for just a split second, but it was glorious!! I could see every detail, things I thought were gone. She was in the back yard. I was looking there for Alice and Chloe, but it was Abbey who appeared between the worlds.
Abbey broke my heart in a way that will never heal. It is a special break, it is the break of losing your first real love. That never goes away. No matter how many dogs pass through my heart, this break rules the rest.
Alice will be 7 on the 17th and Chloe 6 on the 30th. After I read the article I went and cried all over them and kissed their heads and got kisses back. Alice looked into me like she does, like she can, and let me know it is okay but, oh my heart...
"That’s what we do – we hold them close. We hold our dogs so close that parts of ourselves overflow and fall directly onto their furry heads. So when we look at our dogs we see our worst sorrows, our greatest joys and the deepest part of ourselves for which there is no name. The story of our dogs is the story of us."
Read the rest of the article, but have Kleenex > HERE <