an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something.
"he had developed an infatuation with the girl"
I am not or I really wasn't in a deep relationship with anyone I feel attracted with. I had girlfriends and I can't totally say that everything was perfect. I wasn't looking for someone now not because I have not moved on or not yet ready for all those stupid commitment it is just that I find relationship/commitment too boring because everything you do, all the efforts you'll exert, all the time you'll spend will easily be forgotten once both parties need to part ways. I am for deep friendship type of relationship where hugging and caring isn't a big deal unfortunately I haven't found one.
The main reason why I can't stop myself from writing this is simply because I can't stop myself from longing for that HIS attention or just even that person's ample amount time. Seeing that person makes me feel happy even just a simple glance whatever that person is doing , stalking I should say. Every single thing that person does is like a world to me. I hate to use HIS as the pronoun to best describe the person to avoid issues but it cannot be helped. If being true to yourself makes me gay then be it.
I can't say I am inlove, who knows? I never been inlove deeply but this sensation-feeling is more than what I can imagine. Everyday I feel like I want to assist him whenever and whatever his is into. I want to give all the time I've got just to make him happy. I wish I can fulfill every request he wants to satisfy him. THAT IS WHAT I HATE to do because it will cause a HUGE trouble once everyone will notice that I AM HAVING THIS UNCONTROLLABLE FEELING towards him whom I want to be with.
I am really good at manipulating my own feelings, I can say that I have broken down a bunch of hearts back then because I really think I am more infatuated with boys. I think this is what they call KARMA. I am having problem now refraining my feelings from doing the things I want to do.
I hope writing my feelings in here would help easing the eagerness to be with him. I will definitely lay low towards seeing, talking, playing with that person to avoid issues and unwanted feelings that might grow. It is a forbidden love and I should stop.