I feel a bit moody today. I'm not sure if it's because I actually went to class today and felt the weight of being behind hit me in the face. I'm still doing pretty bad in school, and I usually pull up just in time so I have decent grades, but I guess this is going to be the first time I have a really bad GPA and might be put on academic probation. It's ruining me just thinking about it.
But, maybe it's because I really just wanted to have a couple of hours with my Aries boy to myself, because there's always other people around when we do except for the occasional smoke break and when we go to bed. The talks and sex we have when we are alone are so much fun, like I'm in a movie about two young lovers that understand things that most people don't. Today his friends came over, and I haven't really built up the courage to smoke more weed (or at least more than a couple of hits) and I feel like I'm so incredibly lame when I don't. I mean, this dumb type of shame doesn't actually pressure me into taking hits if I don't want to, I still have my power of restraint, but I wish I was strong enough to smoke more. I just feel like it's too hard for me to get adjusted because I'll just have to experience the paranoia and baby high all by myself, or I'll risk being a mood kill. I miss my friends and my ex back home, they always knew how to make me forget about that fear without having me feel guilty and embarrassed about it. But yeah, I didn't really feel like smoking in front of this boy's friends. In the end, I did just to spite everyone, because I'm pretty sure they didn't believe that I did smoke. And, I was totally fine. I knew my limit to get a good high, and it actually helped me loosen up a bit because I was pretty quiet earlier on in the day. I don't know. I don't want to make the mistake of hanging with him too much and losing sight of everything else. But, it doesn't feel that way with him. I still have time for myself, whereas my ex always would want to be around, and would always want for it to be only us two. It's great, but it was so much. But then again, he's probably the only one I would ever be able to do that too. I wouldn't want to do that with aries boy. I like the intensity I have right now, but also the draw to being just by myself again is there. Anyway, I'm just moody today, and I don't even know how to really explain it. I'm not even sure if I'm really bothered by what I typed either. I just want to feel okay, and I want to have good grades, and I just want to not be too hard on myself. I want people to understand this, but I'm not really in the mood to actually tell anybody how I feel right now. Okay. I need to study for my quiz tomorrow.