Happy Birthday to Me
My 43rd year within the time constraints defined by this earthly simulation begins sitting in front of my computer, listening to the Young Squire in his crib saying, "Daaaaaad. Dad. Dad." I'm pretty sure he's also practicing my name "DosDosDosDos." I'm awake by habit, not because I have an overwhelming abundance of awesome hobbies just waiting to be tackled. I'm just up because I opened my eyes and got out of bed.
Last year started off with a nerdy observation that if 42 were truly the answer to the ultimate question, What is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything then I was looking forward to a whole year of answers. This morning, as I sit here, drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, trying to congeal this last year into artistic prose all I can see are the colors on the palette in the form of words to describe the things I felt, either within me or coming from the hearts of others.
Loss. Disappointment. Loneliness. Shame. Hate. Hypocrisy. Ignorance. Lying. Distrust. Concealment. Selfishness. Disgust.
And I wonder why I find fighting to focus on the good things so difficult? My heart hurt more this year than it has in a very long time. It still hurts now, for reasons related to each of those things above and more, more or less. And this is the only time I'll really ever mention it, because this social media representation of myself is not the truth. The truth is reserved for the few. And you are out there. You know who you are.
And that's one thing I can say for sure. I love you. I truly do. It's true I feel like too many of you are looking for the meaning to your life on a 7-inch screen. Seeking acceptance or love or a solution to a problem with the swipe of a finger. And I'm standing right here. Watching. Watching you continue to futilely look for answers. But that doesn't change the way I feel about you.
That hasn't stopped me from carving out a piece of my heart for you. We are all stupid. I learned a long time ago that lessons had to be learned the hard way. Wisdom is learned through experience and no matter how many times someone tries to pass that off as knowledge, the lesson is always lost in translation. I realize I spend a lot of time screaming at your from a glass box. Like a mime. You see me banging on that window and you cross the street anyway. Every time, until you get hit by a car. Then you get it.
Before you think I'm getting cranky all of a sudden, just wait. I want to tell you about the other things, I have felt.
Loved. Important. Joy. Happy. Love. Laughter. Intrigued. Friendship. Family. Satisfaction. Content. Fascination.
The majority of those things would not have been possible without you. Maybe the laughter, I am my biggest fan. But without you, I couldn't have enjoyed or experienced these things. So thanks for that. You make my simulation rich. And make me feel alive.
I'm sorry if it feels like I'm more focused on the negativity. It's just from where I sit, the cost for the good still feels too high. There were a lot better ways this year could've gone for a lot of us. But I am ready to continue moving forward.
I would like to think I'm going into this next year optimistically. I don't really want to learn any lessons the hard way. Instead, I'd prefer to absorb the wisdom I have gained in the last year. Transform it into knowledge. Utilize that towards my own mistake-making tendencies. Make good choices. And grow. And love. And laugh.
So...Happy birthday to me. (and many mooooooooooooooooooooooooore)