Reporting Live From the Fuck 2016 Bandwagon (File under TL/DR, haters... this isn't a meme)
I hate bandwagons. I hate the idea of them. I hate the attitude of the people who were there before it was cool. That being said, move over I'm climbing up on the Fuck 2016 Bandwagon.
[Queue canned applause and sweeping dramatic music]
It's a cold and shitty day here in central Illinois, folks. Anywhere you walk outside, it's the wrong direction. So I'm sitting in my room, chain smoking cigarettes and weed while my Kindle blasts out some early pre-sellout Black Keys and everything by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, brooding about the shit hand the world had been dealt this year. It's so overwhelming, I'm not even sure where I should start.
How about a disclaimer. I'm stoned. And this is a purge. I've tried a thousand times to cover these topics with my friends. And aside from them just waiting for me to shut up so they can talk about something completely unrelated, here's all the other reasons I couldn't talk to them....
This year, I've seen... so much hate. Stupidity. Whining. Bragging. Bullying. Lying. Death. Laziness. Selfishness.
I've felt my own hate. Disappointment. Resentment. Heartache. Loneliness. Longing. Regret. Sadness.
I blame a lot of it on the internet. Wifi. Smartphones. Every year humanity seems to be more and more sucked into the digital world. Fingerbanging their egos on social media, masquerading as amateur comedians and experts on politics, climate change (formerly global warming), etc. This fucking need to be connected to everyone and everything all of the time is fucking up everyone's perceived reality. Watching someone who is constantly embedded in their phone function in the real world used to be funny. Now it's just fucking sad. They are raping the written word. Destroying linear thought. I am maddened by the perpetuation of memes. I'm not surprised 'fake news' is finally being attacked, mostly because I'm tired of seeing lazy people immediately believe something.
Fuck the social media for empowering us into thinking our every fucking opinion needs to be heard. Or our every little move needs to be documented. Enabling our consumerism. Pushing us to judge people based on their material worth. Or to even judge someone based on their social media profile. Fuck you if you think my page reflects who I am. Unlike most people, I don't convey my every emotion publicly.
The whiny lament of Generation Snowflake, who don't understand that they need to put their phones down to get anything down. The grand scale temper tantrums at college campuses. I mean, seriously, fuck you. Fuck your parents for plopping you in front of the television so they could fuck with their phones, filling your stupid fucking head with the perception that the world is a G-rated musical montage. Fuck them for handing your whatever it was you were screaming about, rather than teaching you the value of working for something. For feeding you ADHD medication, and stealing some of it for themselves, rather than teaching you anything about the real world. I want to choke every asshole on the internet who posts a status complaining that it "sure fucking sucks being single", and not actually putting down their phone and engaging someone. And fuck them when they break out into the real world and get a cold bitch slap when they realize that money is always going to rule their lives and they are going to have to work hard to make that money. Sorry kids, Mickey Mouse isn't going to appear and help you make your dreams come true while you sing a 90 second cleaning song.
Let's move on to the slow cancerous death of Love. If I'm being completely honest, I feel like Love is the only thing missing from my life. Not the general love you feel for your family or your friends, but the Love you feel for the significant other. I was sure I would meet the woman of my dreams this year. A woman who would inspire me to take all of this bitter hatred I feel for humanity and channel it into sweet, cheesy poetry for her.
Instead, I fell in love with a lesbian. Okay, she might be bisexual, but not since I've known her, but still, I am frustrated by the fact I bought a bullshit fantasy that I was selling. Realistically, I never had a chance. I still don't. The endgame was never me and Elbows together forever. No matter how much time I spent believing it was possible. I've listened to her long enough to know she wants to be loved the same way I do. She knows I'm madly in love with her and would probably come close, but she believes I wouldn't be able to keep up with her. On that level, I am inclined to agree. Not denying my love for her or wearing it too obviously on my face cost me 90% of our face time and ability to communicate, thanks to well-played moves by her wife. This has left me more miserable and longing than I could have ever expected.
The fucking dumbest part about it to me is that she is manipulating me in a way. Not intentionally. Like she doesn't even know she is doing it. She's setting a standard. It's like comparing a new girlfriend to the old one, except she was never mine. Somehow, though, I find myself comparing her to other women. I suppose in one way, it's normal. Probably not wrong to do. So, if I haven't disclosed this, I haven't been laid in over two years. Kissed a woman. Touched a breast. Had to uncomfortably disguise a boner while cuddling. Nothing. I hadn't seen a bare breast in over a year and a half until I went to the local music festival over the summer. Anyway, while this used to be a sore point with me, and a great source of jokes for my friends, I've come to put some value in who I want to plant my kisses on when the time comes. Sounds stupid, but I feel like with all the fake relationships these days consisting of two people living together pretending to be in love until one of them somehow can't provide. Pitting True Love versus Survival.
And right now, if it makes any sense, I want Elbows to kiss me. I want her to kiss me for all of the shit we've been through in the last year. The conversations we've had. For all the times we've laughed. For our sadness. Our love for each other however much that is. Because she is probably the most important woman in my life outside of my mom. I don't want to cash that timer in on some random chick. I don't want to cash them in on anyone but someone special. That's what I'm trying to say... I'm an inadvertent crusader of Love. I want my next time to be my last. And that's hard to do in a Survival based world. I am not my job. Or how much money I have. Or the things I got. Fuck all that. But, I'd still kiss Elbows even if it was just the one time.
I'm not happy. Maybe my tragic flaw is believing that love will save the day. Save my life. I'm not exactly optimistic I'll find it because I'm a hypocrite. I lament over a lot of the same things everyone else does, I just bottle it up versus blasting it on the social media. I am a fake. Perhaps like others, my public daily persona is far different from the person I am on the inside. I'm afraid of dying without having someone to share that person with. I'm afraid my second wife might have been that person but because I was younger and dumber I fucked that all up. Or I still shoulder most of the blame. Regardless, I'm guilty of being as unmotivated as everyone around me. Stagnant. I pass it off as having what I need. Being content. But I'm bored and restless. I yearn for adventure but I find a way to always say I'll embark tomorrow. Maybe I've been introverted my whole life, maybe not. But I sure feel like I am now. Social anxiety is no joke. I'm uncomfortable talking to people and I consider myself of a crusader of conversation too, but when no one talks to each other, even I'm out of practice.
It's easy for me to make the majority of my problems disappear when I put it into perspective against the size and scale of our universe. But not Love. In the end, when it comes down to the probabilities and statistics and science and biology and evolution that it took to get me right here and right now, all I really want to experience is real love. I still believe that goes on forever. Long after the sun melts away any existence of humanity ever being here. When everything we ever thought was important is destroyed.
As for the rest of the year? Fuck politics. The only thing good that came out of this year's election was the two days of virtual silence on social media after a day of spewing hate and rage and then realizing they were all a bunch of fucking assholes instead of the moral elite they claimed to be. And that's all of them. I voted third party simply because of the fucking circus the media and the primary candidates turned this election into. I mean, seriously. I hope everyone felt a certain level of shame after all of that. Fucking ugliness.
Fuck Death. This year it took Cassie. It took Will. It sucked a significant amount of life around the people I see everyday and consider family. Fuck its aftershocks.
Fuck me. I'm tired of myself. I'm hoping next year, I'll get some of my shit together. And retake my life. I hope you do too. Let me off here. I can't do this anymore.