Journal: Before I Go:
5 September 2017
It’s been a while since I’ve felt compelled to write anything. To be honest, I found myself in an unproductive, depressive slope the passed couple months. I went on a lengthy trip through much of the midwest for the month of July. The purpose of the trip was twofold: to test out my vehicle platform for a long period and to give myself a taste of what living in my car will mean for me exactly. Overall, I’d say the trip was a success. My platform is built stronger than a deck, and I’ve never been too high maintenance for amenities and modern conveniences. I’d say I could’ve gone with a bit less conflict between my friends and me, but when four people get stuffed into an SUV for a month, conflict is bound to occur. All in all, I got my fill of the Midwest that I previously had yet to see, and I can proudly say now that I have no more reasons to go sightseeing the Midwest again.
August came around, and I found myself back in Dayton, Ohio. I decided to ride out the month of August in Dayton to get everything I needed together and to say my goodbyes. I’m now in this position: I leave tomorrow and I am utterly scared shitless. I’m staring my dream in the face and I suddenly have cold feet.
There are several emotional phases that happen when reaching towards, working for, and/or achieving a goal. Most of the early stages (i.e. basic planning and the gathering of supplies) have a certain emotional distance. Those early stages were emotionally cold for me—driven, yet cold. Hell, I packed my bags into my car without feeling a thing. That dissociation has come around to bite me in the face now. It’s truly a bizarre experience: waking up one day with the ability to feel again and feeling all of your suppressed emotions from the passed couple weeks within the span on a couple days. It can be overwhelming at times.
Don’t misunderstand me, though.
My trip is still happening. I’m not going to let fear get in the way here. This something that I’ve been working towards for a long time. It would be a shame if I gave up now. It’s time to make it happen.
#writing #journal #traveling #self-actualization
Photo: The Honeymoon Bluff in Superior National Forest, Minnesota